Best of: Trevor Noah | Netflix Is A Joke
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Best of: Trevor Noah | Netflix Is A Joke

September 2, 2019


– I speak English, but
here people speak American. Similar, but not the same, all right? So like, small things
change, small things. And I accept that, small things
change like pronunciation. For instance, the thing you drink I call that water, yes, water. In American you say water, right? Water. Yeah, I say water because
there’s a t in the word, alright? The glass you see
yourself in every morning. I refer to that as a
mirror, yeah, all right? In American you say a mirror, right? A mirror. Yeah, which is not the same thing to me. A mirror is the glass. Amir is a Middle Eastern man. Very different experience,
it’s not the same thing. And that’s just pronunciation, all right? You also have to learn the meanings of words
that you already knew when you move to America. For instance, where I’m
from, there’s a garment that men commonly wear under their shirts. It’s white and it’s sleeveless, yeah? Where I’m from we refer
to this as a vest, okay? I’ve now learned in American
it is known as a wife beater. (audience laughs) Yeah, I have so many questions. (audience laughs) Don’t be a pussy. Guys say that and then
you do what they want. Don’t be a pussy, yeah. Don’t be a pussy. ‘Cause the pussy is weak. And yet, in my personal experience, (audience laughs) I have found the pussy to be
one of the strongest things I have ever come across in my life. (audience cheers) Don’t be a pussy? The vagina is one of the most powerful, you realize vaginas can start
revolutions and end wars. You realize even on a physical level, the vagina is one of the strongest things that have ever existed. Virtually indestructible. Many men in this room,
many, many men in this room, have tales of how they
once defeated the pussy. (audience laughs) Let me tell you now, they have not. (audience laughs) The owner of the pussy may
have given you the impression that you defeated the pussy,
but it is alive and well, my friends. (audience laughs) Whenever people say that, I go, do you understand how
impressive the vagina is? Do you understand how strong it is? There’s a reason men have
sought to impress it for long. The vagina is frighteningly powerful. You realize that human
beings come out of a vagina. (audience laughs) Human beings come out,
and still it continues to work as intended. (audience laughs) Do you understand how impressive that is? (audience cheers) I don’t know if I’m the only
one, but do you understand? A human being, a human being,
comes out of the vagina! And still it continues to
operate, and it continues to work, after a human has just come out. You’re saying it’s weak? A human came out of the vagina. You just sit on a penis
wrong and it breaks. You just. (audience laughs) I’m fascinated by racism as a concept. As an action, policy,
all of it fascinates me. I read these stories in history. One of the most fascinating
things I read about recently, one of the most fascinating places, was a place called Rochester, New York. (audience laughs) Where genuinely, this blew my
mind, where they had a city which was basically
dedicated to rehabilitating people who had escaped slavery. Slaves would escape from the South. They’d make their way to the North. They would get to Rochester, the Underground Railroad
would get them there, and then they would rehabilitate
them, put them on boats, and send them to Canada, so
that they could live free. And I was like that’s a
fascinating story for two reasons. One, it reminds you that there
were a lot of good people, white people out there. ‘Cause a lot of time I
get angry at white people and then I’m like, no no,
there’s good ones, calm down. (audience laughs) And the second part of it that was amazing was that they convinced black
people to get back on boats. I think,
(audience laughs) Think about that for a second. Somebody’s just escaped slavery. They’ve made their way
their finally, all right? They wake up after one
night of free sleep. And then walk out and it’s just like, “Hey man, I just wanna
say thank you so much “for everything you did for me, man.” “Well you know what, my friend? “Nobody deserves to
live the way you lived, “and I’m glad we got you out.” “Thank you so much, I
appreciate you brother.” “Thank you, my friend. “Okay, all we gotta do now
is get you some paperwork, “get you cleaned up,
and put you on a boat, “get you to Canada, and
you can live a free life, “and everything’s gonna be better.” “I’m sorry, hold up, hold up, “Yeah, could you come again? “You, what did you say?” “I know, the paperwork thing is weird, “but we gotta get you
some identification.” “No, no, no, you said
something about a boat?” “Yeah, we gotta get you on a
boat so you can get to Canada.” “Yeah, yeah nah, I don’t yeah,
we don’t do boats no more, “I don’t know if you know our history, “but me and my people, we
took a cruise one time, “that shit didn’t go so well. “So yeah, we gotta find
another way to get to Canada “if you don’t mind.” “Yeah, but the boat is the best way “for us to get there from Rochester.” “Yeah, that might be
the best way for y’all, (audience laughs) “but we gon’ walk. “Hell, we can run, we can run real good. “We can run, be we ain’t
getting on no boat.” “My friend, you gotta get on the boat.” “Man, I ain’t gotta do shit! “I just got free! “Imagine if I get on that boat “and on the other side
I’m in the same place. “What they gonna say to me? “Why’d you get on that boat? “‘Cause he was real nice. “Oh, hell no! “I ain’t getting’ on no boat.” “Well, you gotta get on the boat, though! “You’re free now, you
gotta get over this!” “Look man, maybe one day
in a few hundred years, “one of my descendants named Kanye West “will be over this shit, but
I ain’t over it right now. “So I ain’t gettin’ on no boat!” (audience cheers) And that was the day the phrase nigga please was invented. (audience laughs) A white man turned and just went, “Nigga please, I need you on that boat!” (audience laughs) And that story was passed
down generation to generation, black person to black
person, free man to free man, saying, “And that white
man got down on his knees and he said, “nigga please,” “Nigga please?” “Nigga please.” “I ain’t ever heard that
phrase before in my life. “Nigga please.” “Nigga please?” “Nigga please.” I was walking in the streets one day. I was walking next to this man, I’ll never forget this, right. We’re standing there on the sidewalk. And the light changes in our favor. And I look to the side
and there is this truck that is barreling down the road. And I’m looking at the truck. And as soon as the light changes, the guy next to me, he just
steps out into the road, and so instinctively, I stuck
my hand out to protect him, and I was like, “Yo
dude, there’s a truck!” And he was like, “It’s
okay, we’ve got the light.” (audience laughs) I say, “Yeah, and he has a truck!” (audience laughs) In the game of rock,
paper, scissors, you lose. (audience laughs) But he was so confident. He was like, “It’s okay,
we’ve got the light. “Come on, let’s go.” And he walked out there,
he didn’t just walk out, he stared that truck driver
down as he was crossing. Just looking at him like, “I’ve got the light, I’ve got the light. “You know I’ve got the light,
you know I’ve got that light.” (audience applause) I was running behind him all apologetic, “I’m sorry, I didn’t, I’m
sorry, I would have stopped, “I’ve never done this
before, I’m so sorry.” I walked with that man for 12 blocks. (audience laughs) And let me tell you, I
have never been imbued with the confidence of another human being the way I was with him. I started that day, thinking and pondering before stepping out. And after a few blocks with
him, I started believing. (audience laughs) And after eight blocks, it was the only way I knew how to live. (audience laughs) I had my phone out. I was tweeting and texting. I didn’t play games, I’d be looking down, look up, the light would
change and I was out. I didn’t care if a truck or a
train was coming towards me. I was out! ‘Cause I’ve come to realize in America, if you’ve got the white man on your side, you can do whatever you like. (audience cheers) (upbeat music)

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  1. Everybody says don't be a pussy. But pussies can take a pounding. Instead people say grow a pair of balls. Balls, a nut shot to which will make you wish you were having sex with Donald Trump

  2. This is really not a comedian for white people. This guy hates us like nobody else lmao. May he die consumed by this hatred, it's a lot of fucking fun

  3. I have bad news for you Noah but p** is a commodity p** is sold by the owner. If it were powerful it wouldn’t be sold to the highest bidder. Oh then there are owners that give it away free and cause the price to fall!

  4. This guy is such a hack. He’s not funny, likable, interesting, or anything of the sort. How does he still have a show? Absolute boring drivel. Yawnnnnnnnnnn

  5. Pussy comes from the word Pusillanimous which means "showing a lack of courage or determination; timid."

  6. This guy is SO NOT FUNNY. He has a TV show? Really? Was that canned laughter in the background? Pussy jokes…REALLY? Lame and not funny.

  7. Boeing awarded US$999 million contract for A-10 wing replacements: Pentagon
    Read more at https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/business/boeing-awarded-us-999-million-contract-for-a-10-wing-replacements–pentagon-11829994

  8. The water one doesn't really work, both say it with a T, they just change the pronunciation between wa-ter(EU) and wat-er(US). I prefer the sound of the US pronunciation though as the European pronunciation tends to sound like watuh to me

  9. If you like trevor noah your a moron HIS COUNTRY OF ORIGIN IS A SHIT HOLE… and has some nerve criticizing AMERICANS… TREVOR YOUR S.AFRICAN GOVERNMENT IS COMMITTING GENOCIDE…

  10. It's not "Dont be a pu#*y" rather it's "Dont be a pusi", where 'Pusi' is short for the word Pusillanimous.
    Pusillanimous means showing a lack of courage.
    Thank me later😉

  11. The in the crosswalk early guy, will likely be hit at that crosswalk. However, he will be able to say, I had the right of way as he goes through rehabilitation

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