CGRundertow HORSES 3D for Nintendo 3DS Video Game Review
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CGRundertow HORSES 3D for Nintendo 3DS Video Game Review

August 16, 2019

Horses 3D touts itself as “the first authentic
horse game” for the Nintendo 3DS. Now, I’m no equestrian expert or anything.
The closest I’ve ever come to a horse is watching a Sarah Jessica Parker movie. But
I would imagine there have to be a few men who ride horses, and among them, some would
have to be young. Ergo, there would have to be at least some little boys interested in
Horses 3D. Imagine their disappointment when they turn
this thing on and aren’t even given the option of having a dude piston. Nice job,
Ubisoft. You’ve managed to offend even me, and I just called Sarah Jessica Parker a horse. Released in March to the Nintendo 3DS, Horses
3D does a lot of things well. But I’m genuinely stunned that it doesn’t provide the option
to play as a boy. This game plays the role of Rick Santorum and assumes, “Well, if
you’re interested in ponies, you’re obviously a little girl. So what kind of lipstick would
you like to—” “Wait, lipstick?! You godless jezebel!” Nonetheless, you choose between 16 horse breeds
and from there, you start building a relationship. The entire game is built around the idea that
you’re nurturing and caring for them in order to gain their trust. And you exploit
that trust by entering them in races in which they’re forced to jump over sh*t while you
stab them with your shoes. The game lines up the missions in a very linear
fashion. But between your races, you have little jobs to do, not to mention lots of
optional side quests. You can explore your environment, find hidden objects and even
track animals. The game also includes an optional StreetPass feature that lets you share collectible
cards. Horses 3D is a perfectly solid pet simulator,
but I am stunned that you can’t play as a boy. I can only hope that’s just an oversight,
but still…how do you forget to include the other human sex? That, uh…somewhat offensive
error aside, Horses 3D is a decent horse game for your daughter. Evidently, your son can go f*ck himself.

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  1. Oooh, wait. I'm a little slow but I just realized that Derek is using irony to prompt us to realize how sexist the gaming industry and society at large are against women. This is brilliant social commentary.

  2. i understand your point but honestly in games where you get a choice in main character there tends to always be an option for either girl or boy. It doesn't make sense, what if a girl wanted a guy character? it seems overly restrictive on something that needs no restriction.

  3. You can make female characters in just about EVERY RPG even in the 90's you could. Then there's Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. In fact, wasn't the whole Femshep from Mass Effect thing Bioware's response to fan outcry about there being no female option? Its just sad that in a day and age when any other game like this would offer you the chance to play the opposite sex that it doesn't. I can understand Call of Duty, but this boggles the mind.

  4. "I just called Sarah Jessica Parker a horse." Reminded me of the film Ed Wood, at the beginning she is reading a review of the play she was in and asks "Do I really look like a horse?"

  5. Wayyy too hung up on the no option for male character thing in this review dude…unless you're trying to be funny. I don't think a lot of guys would buy this game for themselves. The Sarah Jessica Parker joke is old…You saw the Sex in the City movie didn't you?

  6. I'm ok with not being able to choose a male character because I don't want to see other games bogged down with having to make female lead character options (ie. a female Call of Duty, Gears of War, God of War, etc). The ladies can have their horses.

  7. @TheSNESGrounder Not really. Every system has shovelware. it's not those titles that determine how good a system is, it's the amount and quality of good titles. And despite what others may think, the 3DS is getting lots of great titles IMO.

  8. I looked away for a moment and looked back at the screen at 1:57 and thought Derek was scrubbing a toilet on the bottom 3DS screen.

  9. *shrug* There are lots of games where you can't play as a girl as well. I think people need to get their shit together and realize that many girls like to light shit on fire and shoot things and plenty of boys fine puppies cute and enjoy playing makeup artists.

  10. How do i unlock new horses?! I've tried the codes, and they don't work! The Ubisoft website doesn't work either! Help?

  11. You can't play as a girl in many games. We just play as boys in the games. No problem. I would be all for having both sexes in all games where you could make your own character. I like choices.

  12. i agree that this makes up for girls being forced to play as a boy in like every other game, for example Lost in Blue. It's not very fun being forced to fall in love with a girl due to the storyline.

  13. Lost in Blue 2 had a girl. But I think you had to unlock her, which was kind of dumb. Lost in Blue 3 let you choose from 2 guys and 2 girls.

  14. Well I think this is a great game but I've dieing too
    Actually play.
    So here are some questionns
    1. Can you breed within wifi?
    2. Do you have levels too get
    Items and unlock other areas.
    3. Can you unlock secret areas within new
    People and horses?
    4. Can you race and do western riding and stuff?
    Sorry about all the questions I do it all th time when I'm addicted to somthing
    Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. The guy in the video is probably being sarcastic but… I assume the developers of Horses 3D figured only girls would be interested in this game. Although I'm sure a few boys probably got it. Maybe if people gave the company enough feedback they'd add an option to play as a boy in the sequel. Some girls may like to play as a boy too.

  16. Thanks Geoff for letting us know that! ๐Ÿ˜€ Can't wait for it! Its out around 8th march 2013 or something like that. Theres some really good footage on this video! thanks xxx

  17. I have a question: when you go to ride you're free to go wherever you want, or you have to follow the predetermined paths?
    Sorry for my bad english ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. Hey, just discovered it's released in UK on 15th Feb 2013 according to all websites I've checked! I can't wait!!!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  19. @charlotte wood Cool! I've nearly finished the game now ๐Ÿ™ Don't want it to end! lol I was gonna do gameplay myself but whenever I tried to video stuff it turned out in really shit quality… ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. Well, I don't now you, so it's possible that you are male or female ๐Ÿ˜‰ or even both but I don't hope so ^^

  21. hahaha How many games exclude the female gender? Just shrug this one off man, eventually almost every game will allow us to play as what ever gender we wish.

  22. My son is 29 even though you cant be a boy I think that's a good thing beacuse he is getting his sex changed and shame on you if you are one of the guys how hate gays

  23. All the complaining about how you can't play a boy… how do you think girls feel when they are forced to play a boy?

  24. whats wrong with being a girl im a girl and I play games like this without the choice of being a girl I think its only fair

  25. oh my fucking god– "how do you forget to include the other human sex" how do you think we women feel every second of every day of our lives…

  26. Well I can think of a whole freaking list of games where you cant play as a girl so this game is not offensive at all. Welcome to the world of girl gamers where we pretty much only can play as a male character. We finally have an actual game all to ourselves:)

  27. For a pervert who usually lusts after video game girls(Barbie,Bratz), I'm surprised your complaining so much about playing as a girl in this game. Are you mad because you can't undress them up like the other games made for girls?

  28. I'm snorting from laughter right now.
    Now you know what girls feel like when they can't be a girl and are forced to be a boy or when the girl charcter has skimpy clothes or armor and are forced to be a guy character.
    Ner offense.

  29. Protagonists in games were boys or men for the longest time. It was difficult to find games where you could play as a girl or a woman. Granted, games should offer both options, but even now protagonists are mostly guys. Women who've complained have been ridiculed, but the second there's a game where you can only play as a girl it takes up half the comments in a review. Plus, jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker's appearance, not the nicest thing I've seen a reviewer do.

  30. "exploiting them to jump over shit and stab them with your shoes" the equestrian world in one setence ladies and gentleman. WHY THE FUCK IS THE GAME LINKED IN THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION LEGO?? FUCK OFF LEGO YOU'RE SHIT.

  31. This game is so unbelievably rare and never talked about. I still haven't figured out the secrets, and it's been years.

  32. I really don't mind when the only option is to play as a male character. HOWEVER, isn't this suppose to be a simulation game ? if that's the case then there should be a option to make a boy character. The game isn't really story based, and you should be able to create your OWN character as you wish. It's not like God of War, Tomb Raider, or Legend of Zelda, where the character in the game is already established.

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