Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses
Articles Blog

Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

October 19, 2019


And a little later,
how to get out of debt by masturbating on a stage. But right now, the nightmare
of losing one’s entire family is almost unimaginable
to most of us, yet our guest, Don Groton,
was forced to face just such a tragedy
eight months ago when his wife and two sons
were killed by a drunk driver. Don, thank you so much
for being with us this morning. Thank you. I’m just trying
to hang in there. Well you’ve been so brave.
-As you may already know Don, Today Now has partnered
with Bridles of Hope, a charitable foundation which
donates miniature therapy horses to those who are grieving
and Don, you are our next lucky recipient. Derek, come on out. Don, you’ve endured so much.
It’s time to let us take the reins. This animal is for me?
-That’s right. Miniature horses
are specially trained to help ease emotional pain. From now on you’ll have
this horse’s comforting presence in your home
24 hours a day. But I live in an apartment.
-Oh, we know that Don because Today Now just delivered
400 bushels of oats there free of charge.
-Thank you but I’m not sure
I can handle a horse right now. Don, most of our recipients find
that having to constantly feed and clean up
after a miniature horse, well it becomes kind of
a daily regimen that keeps them
from dwelling on the past. Now Don, we’ve had a lot of success
with Bridles of Hope in the past. It was Cory who lost his mother
to a brain tumor and the Johnstons
whose house burned down. We’ve even sent
miniature horses to Afghanistan to comfort civilian families
that have been ravaged by war. Look, this would be great
if I wanted this but I don’t. Thanks, sorry. -Don’t you want
to ease your pain, Don? Yes, I guess, somehow.
Yes, sure. There will be more good times
Don with this Laura. That’s right, we’ve named her
after your beautiful wife. What? -And the miracles
don’t stop there either, Don. Not only are you getting
a new Laura, but Bridles of Hope are donating
three horses to make up for each family member
you lost. We’ve already loaded Kevin
and Joseph, your children into your Prius outside. Oh God, that’s Laura’s
favorite scarf! You recognize it?
-No, I don’t want these horses! It’s not going to work!
I just want to be alone! But you say that
in front of your Laura. You’re hurting her feelings,
Don. Don, maybe you’d like
to take a moment and tell Laura you’re sorry.
-Laura, come to Don. Look Laura in the eyes.
Don talk to her. It’s never going to be
the same again, Don. I’m sorry, but that’s just
the reality and you have to learn
to accept it. God. I don’t even know
what’s going on anymore. Why is this happening?
-The healing has begun. It has indeed. Okay, stick around
because you voted for it and coming up next we’re going to meet
the ugliest woman alive. Tonight in the news room, the National Organization
for Women released its list of women it’s okay
to call a cunt. Stay tuned for details.

Only registered users can comment.

  1. Omg, it's like the news people are aliens and are brain washing him into believing that the horses are his dead family. But it's not healthy for three horses to be living together in an apartment, they need place to run around, they need to be outside. it's whats best for the horses.

  2. theres this movie with denzel washington called the Manchurian candidate, and around the end you see a fake news report. the male reporter in the today now videos is the same actor.

  3. @TheTragicNightmare really?! okay if you think it will get me outta debt (credit cards r kickin' my ass right now). let me get ready i'll go do that 2day! performing a sex act for the elderly best gig ever! if i get it i'll play ragtime music, they'll enjoy it! here's hoping! cross your fingers for me & thanx 4 the suggestion.

  4. "It's never going to be the same again Don, you're just going to have to accept that."
    I clicked on this video thinking it couldn't be as sad or strange as it sounded. It was even more so.

  5. Replace that horse with "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" and replace the hosts with Bronies, and replace the sad man with a guy reluctant to become a brony. Then it will make perfect sense.

  6. How am I dehumanizing anyone? I'm talking about people who think they're horses, they dehumanize themselves.

  7. "We are going to meet the ugliest woman alive" A laughed out loud, but then I remember that Lizzie Velásquez was several times presented as the ugliest woman on earth in real tv, so that's just sad. 

  8. So easy, why not just eat the horse? It tastes great, and you can probably sell the surplus somewhere. It's a lot of meat so it can help with money too.

  9. It's 2019 and those mini horses are allowed on passenger planes .

    The Onion has always been ahead of the curve ball ..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *