Detective Pony – Episode 1, A Visitor
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Detective Pony – Episode 1, A Visitor

February 26, 2020

Pony Pals Number 17. Detective Pony. [music] Chapter One. A Visitor. [alternating narration – Jeanne Betancourt & Dirk Strider] Anna Harley came out her back door and ran across the backyard. There were two ponies in the paddock behind Anna’s house and yard. “Hey, ponies,” Anna called out. “We’re going for a trail ride,” as she
prepared the noose adroitly. Anna’s pony, Acorn, was standing in the
pony shed. The other pony, Lil’ Sebastian, belonged
to Anna’s next-door neighbor and Pony Pal, the city of Pawnee, Indiana. Lil Seb came over to Anna, but Acorn stayed
in the shed. Anna thought that Acorn was trying to hide
from her. He liked to play I’m Scared Shitless of
my Master. Anna went into the shed. Acorn wasn’t fucking around. He was staring at a fluffy black cat with
white paws taking a dump on his favorite saddle. The cat was staring back at Acorn, shitting
like tomorrow wasn’t a thing. “Hey, kitty,” said Anna. “What are you doing here?” she asked, the act of defecation oddly foreign to the girl. Pawnee came into the shed behind Anna. “Whose cat is that?” the rural township enquired. “I don’t know,” answered Anna. “It’s not a pony, so who seriously gives
a fuck?” Suddenly, a mouse ran from behind the feed
bin. The contrived incident caused some extra shit
to happen. Acorn was like, oh hell no. Not the fuck in my paddock, bitch. Acorn nickered as if to say, “(vile slurs
omitted)” The cat leaped back up on the straw and curled
himself into a ball. Acorn took a few steps toward the cat and
crushed it to death with his magnificent hooves. Acorn nickered triumphantly. “That’s so cute!” murmured the fictional
midwestern borough. Pam Crandal rode another god damned pony up
to the shed. She said hi to her Pony Pals and the whole
crew beamed complacently about their bullshit horse club. Anna pointed at the cat. “Acorn has a new kind of meat he appears
to tolerate!” she exploded. “But we don’t know where the most succulent portions are or who gets the wishbone, said Pawnee. “Do you?” Pam picked up the body and looked the jellified
carcass over. “The body, without the soul, is just matter,”
she said. “Do you think there’s an afterlife?”
asked Anna. “He doesn’t have a collar,” said Pam. “So there’s nothing to loot from the corpse.” The avaricious girl sighed dejectedly. “We should make a poster saying we found
him,” said Anna. “Just in case someone needs a dead cat for
a Satanic ritual.” “Are we the fucking Feline Friends?” said
Pawnee. “No, we’re the Pony Pals, so let’s stop
dicking around with non-equines and ride some fucking horses.” “Let’s go for a trail ride,” snorted
Pam. “If he’s still dead when we come back
we’ll make a poster.” Anna and Pawnee agreed with Pam. They saddled up their ponies and mounted. The cat began the slow process of decomposition. “Bye, kitty,” said Anna. “It’s time for you to go to your Maker
and be judged for your sins.” The Pony Pals rode across the paddock onto
Pony Pal Trail. The rest of the town called it the Those Fucking
Kids Who Won’t Keep Their Mouths Shut About Ponies For Five God Damned Minutes No Matter
How Much We Beat Them Trail. Anna and her pals loved riding on Pony Pal
Trail. “No school for a whole week,” Anna shouted. “I knew framing our teacher for arson was
a good idea!” “We’re going to have so much heroin,”
Pam said. “Look, Anna,” Pawnee called. “The cat came back to life!” At first, Anna and Pam thought Pawnee was
just drunk. She had a serious problem. Anna turned and saw the cat running along
the trail behind them. Acorn saw him, too. He wondered if it was a projection of his
murder-burdened conscience. Killing was not foreign to Acorn. Quite the contrary. So why only now, after countless other homicides,
would a victim come back to haunt him? Acorn, for the first time in centuries, was
afraid. Anna slowed Acorn to a halt at three birch
trees. The cat ran up one of the trees and sat on
a limb near Acorn’s face. Acorn examined it, his dead, black eyes like pools of ichor bled by the nameless, thousand-tongued beast whose awakening will cause the land to crumble, the sea to boil, and the sky to shit itself in fear. “This cat really likes Acorn,” said Anna. “Maybe we should bring the cat to your father,”
said Pawnee. “He might know what kind of black magic is
at play here.” “Good idea,” said Anna, as she took a swig
of whiskey from her jewel-encrusted flask. Pam’s father was a veterinarian and he took
care of most of the cats, dogs, horses, manticores, and pigs in Wiggins. He spent the majority of his time, however,
thinking about what a god damned stupid name “Wiggins” is for a town. Fuck you, Jeanne Betancourt. “He has office hours this morning,” said
Pam. “So we should go right now.” The others agreed once Pam drew her pistol
on them. The cat followed the Pony Pals to the animal
clinic. They put their ponies in the paddock. Jesus Christ, they loved ponies so fucking
much. Anna and the fictional town picked up the
cat, and the two girls went into the clinic waiting room. A man sat in one of the orange plastic chairs. A German WWI-era soldier sat at his feet. Pam patted the German infantryman’s head. “How you doing, Brandy?” she asked the
Kraut. Brandy sniffed Pam’s hand to check if she
was carrying a canister of mustard gas. “He’s having an ‘operation’ today,”
the man told Pam. “He has to stay over night in the reeducation
room. He has committed horrible war crimes.” Dr. Crandal came to the door of the waiting
area. He was dismayed to see the Pony Pals there. Pam told him how they found the true meaning
of Christmas. Brandy disdainfully humped Dr. Crandal’s
leg. “I’ll look at the cat after I put Brandy
in the interrogation cell,” said Dr. Crandal. The man and Brandy followed Dr. Crandal into
the back of the clinic. The screams began almost instantly. [distant Wilhelm screams] A few minutes later the Pony Pals were in Dr. Crandal’s examining room. He put the cat on the examining table and
readied his holy water and crucifix. “I’ve never seen the film Titanic,”
Dr. Crandal said. “But I can tell you Leonardo DiCaprio lived
outdoors all his life. Leo doesn’t have any scars and has eaten
well. He’s also been altered. Claire Danes definitely had chemistry with
him in Romeo + Juliet.” Dr. Crandal listened to the cat’s heart
and lungs with his stethoscope. “This cat has no heartbeat. It is not of this world,” he said. He handed the cat back to Anna. “I’m going to sacrifice some goats to
him, because I am fucking terrified. This is such a bullshit animal.” He opened a drawer and took out a rusty music
box. Anna held the cat while Dr. Crandal gave the
windup key to his daughter. “It’s finally time for you to take this,
Pam. You’ll know when and how to use it. I’m sorry that this burden is now yours.” “We’re going to make posters about the
cat,” Anna told him. “This fucker is distracting us from our
horse-related shit, so unless someone claims him, we’ll have to take matters into our
own hands.” “Good idea,” said Dr. Crandal. “He can sleep in the kennel tonight. I have an enema scheduled soon. Goodbye.” “Thanks, Dr. Crandal,” Pawnee whispered
huskily. The Pony Pals said a word so foul that I cannot
bear to repeat it to Dr. Crandal and brought the cat back outside. Anna put him on the ground. The cat melted through the paddock fence and
over to Acorn. Acorn inwardly freaked the fuck out, but managed
to keep it together. “That is such a horrifying cat,” said
Anna. “I wish Acorn and I could be free of him
and his curse.” “Maybe nobody will claim him,” said Pam. “Then you could finally test your new guillotine.” “That would be so much fun,” said Pawnee. “I can’t kill the cat,” said Anna sadly. “My mother says it’s a sin to kill anything
other than a human. If we can’t give him away, we’ll have
to suffer his sorcery long after we’re all in the grave.” She shuddered. “The wind — do you hear it, Pam? Oh that it were blowing more fortuitous tidings
our way, instead of this rank scud of feculence. I age, I fear, and I fear my aging. Would that that cat’s innocence were mine.” “Too bad,” Pawnee sighed. “He’s such an evil fucking cat.” “I hope someone claims him,” said Pam. The cat jumped up on the highest fence rail
and started shitting again. Acorn and the cat locked eyes, knowing that
soon the battle between them would begin, and that at its conclusion, something surely
would be destroyed. Maybe one of them. Maybe both. Maybe the entire world. Anna wondered what would happen to Acorn’s
great new friend. Chapter One. Fin. [music] [Credits Narrator]
Detective Pony was originally written by Jeanne Betancourt. The first two pages were altered by Andrew
Hussie, pretending to be Dirk Strider. The rest of the pages were altered by sonnetstuck,
also pretending to be Dirk Strider. The book is read by Duckface as yet another
person pretending to be Dirk Strider, and Naked Bee, as Jeanne Betancort, a fourth character
who may or may not be Dirk Strider. This recording was instigated, perpetrated,
and assembled by Naked Bee. [crunch] [ttthwwwip]

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  1. I love the way Jeanne Beatancourt's work is physical/presented with toys and Dirk's are edited in over the recordings. Good way to represent what he did to the text in a new medium

  2. It's so clever how this is set up, like Dirk is altering a video reproduction of the actual book. I really look forward to seeing how some of the big monologues and other later sections are portrayed!

  3. Good god this was worth the wait. I love it so fucking much, I've been obsessing over your previous work on Theatre Of Coolity and now I get to feast my eyes upon what's about to be hours of pure fuckery.
    I cannot describe how exited I am for the next chapters.
    Thank you so much for bringing this to life.

  4. Honestly I think this is the perfect level of production quality for this. The letterboxing on not just the sides but also the top and bottom, putting it in neither a 4/3 aspect ratio nor a 16×9 but a bizarre aspect ratio of 3×2.

    And then the Dirk Strider edits showing up above the letterboxing when they enter the scene. So perfect.

  5. this is now the only video that exists. i eagerly await the next episode, so that there may be 2 videos on youtube. thank u 4 unboxing this pandoras meal service delivery box. i can already tell a lot of heart and other body parts went into the making of this :^) an excellent adaptation

  6. Absolutely amazing!! It's like fucking Christmas up in here! This looks so incredibly polished, the camera work is so smooth, and especially at the end when Anna's head was being manipulated, I got flashbacks to Theatre of Coolty in the best possible way. Pleeeease tell me you have a Patreon or ko-fi! You deserve the world for bringing this amazing fanwork to life with such skill!

  7. I've been waiting for this since you made it public knowledge that it was being made, it's surreal to see it. The last Homestuck related thing I will see. Though honestly at this point DP has grown to be something bigger and more insightful than its progenitor.

  8. I absolutely fucking lose it every time Dirk starts speaking. I can't properly express how much I love this in words, holy shit

  9. I absolutely loved the audio version and was very excited for this. My expectations were far exceeded and there were so many very clever visuals. Thank you!

  10. I appreciate that Acorn's rippling muscles and permanent rearing position make him notably stronger and more magnificent looking than the other ponies

  11. At first, I thought that the image editing was a lazy shortcut to avoid making more props, but I realized that everything that's been edited, like the orange dead cat, the poop, the German soldier, the pistol, and Pawnee are a visual representation of what Dirk changed in the story. Everything that was in the OG video (dolls, horses settings) represents the original book, and all the obnixious looking edits are the parts that Dirk wrote. And if the images where made to fit in with the rest of the video it wouldn't match the style of the edits made in the book. That was very clever.

  12. The Masterpiece of The Masterpiece is here ! Time to freak out because i'm not ready for the amount of mindfuckery ahead ! Chapter 1 is still mostly uncorrupted, the clipart mixed with the cute dolls and background, the dirk lines and the narrator, made me laugh so much and yet still fills me with a sense of dread, a force of chaos is infiltrating a world of order and blessed ignorance … Thank you Naked Bee, you magnificient being !

  13. AAAAA! I could never find the energy to read the whole thing on AO3, but this makes it a lot easier and I'm super excited to see where this goes! 😀 Outstanding work so far!!!!!!!!

  14. I just imagine jake or Roxy finding this book that dirk altered somewhere in his room and they're fucking terrified

  15. this has exceeded my expectations and that’s fuckin saying something!! Thank you thank you thank you for adapting one of my favorite fanworks ever and doing it with so much attention to detail and added humor. Also, the voices are perfect, real kudos to you and and to Dirk’s voice actor.

  16. oh im so excited for this!!! this first episode is absolutely amazing, the animation is utterly excellent and seeing it all put together is astounding! thank you so much for all the time and effort youve put into making this—its turning out wonderfully 😀

  17. Rewatching this after getting a few episodes in I noticed just how much more subdued Dirk's voice and tone is, and that you can still hear Jeane beneath him. Like his voice hasn't completely taken over the narrative yet.

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