[SUGAR RAY’S “EVERY MORNING”
PLAYING] I am not looking forward
to yearbook pictures tomorrow. Every time I try
to smile naturally, I always end up
doing this: Come on,
you’re so photogenic. Just make sure you show off
your puka shells. Hey, you know our senior quotes
are due tomorrow, right? Yeah. You remember
our plan? You still down to pick quotes
for each other? Actually,
I think I found you one. “We love the things we love
for what they are.” You remembered I like
Robert Frost. Yeah. I actually think I got one
for you too. “You miss 100 percent of
the shots you don’t take.” Wayne Gretzky. I like that. And I think future Peter
will like that too. Okay, I’m done with my profile.
What do you think? All right, let me see. Really? “I take
the road less traveled.” I do. Why won’t you take
my suggestion? It’s like, gold. Like, pure gold. Jo-wanna? Yes. Jo-wanna date me? That is just so bad. Come on. All guys love puns. So bad. Jo-wanna go get
some sushi? Jo-wanna get with me? You need to stop. Jo-wanna go to the movie– [♪♪♪] PETER:
So you’re done yet? I’m not sure if it’s ready. Let me see. Uh, here’s your tip. You don’t wanna say you’re DTF
in your profile. Why? Chloe said it means
“Down To Flirt.” Being out of the country
for seven years has left you a little behind
on the current lingo. Whatever. You done
with your profile yet? No, I’ve been checking my
fantasy league. Are you serious? Peter, like– We’re supposed
to do this together. Motivate each other. No, no, no, I want to. I… just wanna meet someone
in real life. All right,
well, I’m going live. Ooh. Ready? Wait.
I feel really nervous. Come on. No, it’s okay. Why am I nervous? It’s okay. Here we go. Okay. [BEEPS] Chloe made it seem like
people start messaging you, like, right away, but… Did you press
the right button? Uh– Hey, hey, it’s okay.
It’s… Apps aren’t for everyone– [CELL PHONE BEEPING] Oh. [BEEPING MORE RAPIDLY] Oh, you know, I’ll just… cancel it. [CELL PHONE BUZZING] Ah. Oh, my gosh. What? What, what? Did you see Mark on there? You– Hey! You don’t wanna do apps. You don’t get to play
this game. Oh. Oh, oh, okay. All right. [LAUGHS] Okay. Oh, wow. All right. Well, I guess
I’ll leave you to it. Happy swipin’. Wow. Hello. Yes. [INHALES SHARPLY] Man, I don’t get you. First, you make a pact
with a girl not to date her. Now you’re telling me
you don’t wanna use dating apps? I met all my girlfriends
in real life. Nobody does things IRL
anymore. Okay? That’s why
the term IRL exists. Are you gonna help me out
or not? Yeah, I’m coming with
the sniper. Go for the top. Oh! Man, you’re asking me to do something I haven’t done
since ’07. A time when phones
were just phones. Psh– Are you scared? You got no game without a phone? [SCOFFS] I’ve got game. Okay. Okay? Good techniques
are timeless. You know what,
I’m gonna take care of you. I’ll take you to the spot. It’s got really good music,
sexy bodies, and it’s members only. Uh…I don’t know about this. Look, Peter, You wanted off-app?
This is off-app. Let’s go get some ladies.
Heh, heh? All right. Why am I unpacking
your things again? Because I’m grading papers
and shaping young minds, and you’re a very kind
big sister. Thank you. [GROANS] I hate this. I feel so superficial. All dating’s a little
superficial. Yeah, but at a bar,
you just… kind of gaze past someone
if you’re not interested. Here, I’m literally
just swiping them away. These are real people, and I’m just treating them
like they’re disposable. They are disposable.
They’re disposable humans. Joanna, dating is
a numbers game, okay? You need to meet a lot of guys
in order to find the right one. Would you sample just
one flavor at Froyo Life? Absolutely not.
You’re gonna try ’em all, and you’re not gonna
worry about whether or not you’re hurting
boysenberry’s feelings, okay? Boysenberry should know
that it’s not for everyone. I like boysenberry. CHLOE: Do you? ‘Cause Ryan is more like a…
a plain tart. Yeah,
a tart with strawberries. And mochi. Joanna, you just moved back. Why are you suddenly
so anxious to find a date? Did she not tell you
about the pact? What pact? Oh, my God.
Is this the high school pact where you have to get married
by the time you’re 30? Okay, yes, but…
it’s gonna be good. Okay, it’s just to help push us
to get back out there. You realize most people
just date without promising to marry
a friend? Oh, my gosh,
Mark will not take a hint. I’m clearly trying
to ghost him, and why can’t he just
accept that and move on? I’m sorry, “ghost him”? “Ghosting” is when you cease
all contact. You just disappear. It’s moments like these that
I’m so grateful to be married and I don’t have to deal with
that stuff anymore. You must miss it, like,
a little bit, though, right? The only drama I need or want
in my life is handcrafted by
Shonda Rhimes. On that note, some people
need some flowers. Peace, bitches. Bye. See you later. LISA: Bye. Okay, give me this. Whoa, whoa. What–
What are you doing? Go get ready. Four guys,
15 minutes each, we’re knockin’ it out
this afternoon. Is that even possible? Joanna, this is
a dating application, and these are thirsty dudes. Yes, it’s possible.
I hope you’re DTF. Hey, I know
what that means now. [WEIGHTS CLANKING] [♪♪♪] Mark.
What’s up, man? Hey, Todd. All right,
hear me out. This month, 10 classes,
only 5 grand. What do you say? Wow. That is–
I am… gonna think about that. All right. Well, you know where
to find me. What’s up, man?
I’m Todd. I’m Peter. Yeah. You wanna get swole,
bro? Give me a call. Thanks. All right, guys. See you later. What’s up with that guy? Oh, that’s a… walking douche-nozzle. I take this free lesson
with him, and he just doesn’t
get off my back. He’s got me on
that Peelio diet. Aren’t a lot of people
on the Paleo diet? No, no, no.
Peelio diet. It’s where you only eat
food that you peel. I was only eating bananas,
shrimp– Ugh. What is it? It’s Chloe. She’s… typing, but she’s not
sending anything. She’s dot-dot-dotting me,
Whatever, man. Let’s go home.
I don’t see any girls. Hey– Whoa, whoa, relax. What
are you talkin’ about, buddy? It’s the bottom of the hour. Wait for it. Wait for it… Boom. [♪♪♪] Ugh– Dude,
what are you doing? This is disinfectant spray.
Jeez, it’s in my eyes. It’s okay, you look hot
and sweaty and ready. What’s up, ladies? Curls for the girls,
pink shirt, glasses. Hey– [WOMAN MUTTERING] Well, nothing says,
“Please come talk to me,” like a phone in the face. Are they gone? So your profile says
you’re a film connoisseur? [CHUCKLES] What’s your favorite film? I’d probably have to say
When Harry Met Sally.That is a…movie?
It’s not a film. Uh, what’s
the difference? Oh, God. I’ll make it 45 hundred. I’m on the phone. Forty-five hundred. [MARK SIGHS] [♪♪♪] [EXHALES] Do you work out here
a lot? [MUSIC PLAYS INDISTINCTLY] Okay. Good talk. So you must really be
into jewelry. I love the way a ring
slides on and off my finger. On and off… On… and off… Hey, I-I love
those glass water bottles. You know, I heard the plastic
ones were really bad for you. I try to be
super eco-friendly. Oh, that’s awesome. Yeah, yeah,
I’m trying to get into that. I’m doing a beach cleanup.
You should come. I would love to. It’s at the, um… [SNAPS] Oh, what– Babe? What’s that beach we’re
cleaning up this weekend? It’s okay.
I-I-I recycle at home already. You know, you’re lucky
I swiped right. You only have one photo. What’s wrong with that? The ideal number is five. One smiling photo,
one at a formal event, one with your hot friends
to show you’re not a loner, one duck face selfie,
and one on the beach. Ideally in a bikini
and not a one-piece. Hey. Hey. Hey, I like
your necklace. Oh. Thanks.
I made it myself. Hey, this might be
too forward, but, uh… would you like to… Are you asking me out
on a date? Yeah. Why don’t you be a regular
person in 2016 and just be on an app? Right. Wow. You’re, like,
the first normal guy
I’ve met from online dating, and it is such a relief. Oh. Yeah, God, there’s just
so many weirdos out there. It can be really stressful. Yes, totally. What do you–? What are you
doing on Saturday? You know, I don’t think
I have plans. I don’t know
if this is forward, but would you wanna join me
on a bit of a gathering? A gathering. A gathering of the Juggalos. Juggalo… Oh, you don’t have to look it
up. It’s the Insane Clown Posse. And it’s not that insane.
Those guys are sweet. All right.
Fill me in. Rough. I might’ve been wrong. Me too. Uh, I wanna get off apps. I wanna get on
the apps. See, the problem
with the apps though is that there’s
too many choices. Like, how can you ever
find the good ones? Yeah, we’re a generation
overrun with choice. Seriously.
Have you seen how many types
of Chex Mix there are? It’s unreasonable. [♪♪♪] Mm.
I have an idea. Maybe we could choose
for each other. Look. I could read men better,
and you could read women better. We could switch accounts
and swipe for each other. Okay, I can get onboard
with this, but if it doesn’t work,
I’m just gonna get a cat. Mm-hm, it’ll work. Here. Take my phone. Oh, God. Look, it’ll be fun
if we don’t know anything. We tell each other
where to go, what time to be there,
and a date will be waiting. Okay, so, like,
a blind date with a twist. Mm-hm. Hey, just don’t
make my date at a gym. Apparently, my dead lift
isn’t very impressive. [CHUCKLES] Mm. Mm. This is
really good, Mom. Did you do anything different? Yeah,
she ordered in. [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [CELL PHONE BEEPS] Oh! A message on a dating app. You’re dating again? Ooh, from a dude.
Interesting. Huh? [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] It’s not
what it looks like. Joanna and I are just choosing
dates for each other. So you’re open
to finding a wife? [GASPS] What’s
going on? She’s been waiting for
this moment. Do not disappoint her. Oh, this should be
interesting. I’m scared. If you see
a girl you like, put her photo on
the right. if you see a girl
you don’t like, put her photo
on the left. Mom, this is like live Tinder. What’s Tinder? Where did you get
these photos? These are the daughters
of friends from church. I’ll go print some more. No, no, don’t. Aiya, don’t waste more ink. I don’t understand.
You’re doing all of these lame, try-hard dating attempts
because… why? ‘Cause I’m supposed to be
married by now. That’s what you’re
conditioned to believe in because of society.
See, contemporary marriage derives
from property exchanges and women needing
to be owned by men. There’s no real reason to do it.
I mean, except for maybe taxes. Really great having you
back home. You have someone else
to annoy? I do, actually.[KEYBOARD CLICKING]Tiffany, looking for
a sugar daddy. Nope. Melissa… “I love to laugh.”
Who doesn’t love to laugh? What? Oh, actually, this girl’s
really pretty. That’s a bot. What? Oh, my God, it would be so funny
to set him up with a bot. No, I couldn’t do that
to Peter. No, he deserves
someone sweet. He’s such a good guy. It is hard out there
for good guys… because of girls like me. Yeah. He hasn’t dated
in a while. He needs to be eased back in.
He needs someone safe who can gently break
the dating seal. Ew. Well, why don’t you just look
for somebody who’s perfectly average. Just like 5’5″, natural hair,
no dye, eyeliner, no shadow, just like,
a really sweet, basic bitch who I would never
be friends with. I hope
that’s helpful. MARK:
Well, it’s been over a day.Chloe keeps
dot-dot-dotting me. I will not be ghosted. Okay, Casper. Hey, tell me what you think
about this guy. What? Oh, my God. It’s for Joanna. So not only are you not
going out with Joanna, but you’re hooking her up
with some dude? What is this, like,
a terrible reality TV show? Okay, I know it sounds weird,
but… Uh-huh? Eh– Uh– I just went along with the pact
because… Because…? Because… Because you’re a nice guy.
Ha, ha! Yeah! And when a super-hot
chick says, “Jump,” a nice guy like you, Peter,
is gonna say, [DEMURELY]:
“How high?” What was I supposed to do? Leave her hangin’?
Or say, “Hey, we haven’t seen each other
for 12 years. Be my girlfriend.” Dude,
can you get off my back and just help me swipe
for Joanna? I don’t like to check out
dudes, no thanks– Oh, my God! That dude needs some serious
eyebrow fleeking. He needs to see my guy. Hm. What a freak show. Him? This guy looks like
a serial killer. What are you doing? Look at
that smile. He’s like, “I’m gonna kill you.”
No. Okay, I see
what you’re doing. You’re trying to set her up
with the super-sketchy dude. That way, you look amazing–
No, no, wait. Let me finish. Peter, this is genius.
I like it. Nice. That’s not what I
was trying to do at all. But…it’s not a bad idea. Mm-hm. Okay, I set her up
on a bad date. Then she’ll think I’m awesome
in comparison. Right. And then we’ll go to the diner and commiserate
on our bad dates. Then we’ll call off
the pact. And I will ask her out. Mm-hm.
Yep. I like it. It only took about
five minutes to get there, but at least you’re asking
her out. Okay, now, she’s setting you up
on a date. Who’s this girl? I mean, does it matter? I mean, who can compete with
Joanna? I’m sure it’ll suck. That’s true.
Okay. Awesome. Now, we just need to find
your guy. Okay. Now, he can’t be
too awful, because then she’s gonna
be onto you. We need someone
right in the middle. A nice guy. Decent-looking guy. But what we need the most
is a dud. Do you have a dud? I think I have a dud. To setting each other up. Cheers. Cheers. [BOTH CLEARING THROATS] Ow, Aah. You know, I’m so glad
we’re doing this. [EXHALES] Although, you know, if this goes poorly,
it’s your fault. If it goes amazing,
then I get all the credit. I mean,
it’s probably not gonna be. Well– We should
stay positive, right? Although,
you never really do know. [LAUGHING]
What are you… Um, in any case, do you wanna meet up at Sunny’s
afterwards to recap? Deal. [♪♪♪] Joanna, right? Yeah. Hi. I’m Todd. Hey, good to meet you. Yeah,
nice to meet you too. All right. Nice one, Peter. [♪♪♪] Peter? Hey. Oh, hi. I’m sorry. No, please sit. I’m really sweaty, heh.
Um… Nice to meet you.
I’m gonna use the restroom, and I’ll be right back. Okay. Okay. I’m a personal trainer. Oh, cool. Yeah. I, uh, love gyms. Oh. And you also like to lie
a little bit, don’t you? I hate working out,
actually. No, seriously, I had a really stressful job
in finance, and my getaway
was to work out. And then one day,
I quit my job and started pursuing
something that I love. That is awesome.
And I know how you feel because I was in finance
for the past, like, eight or nine years. And I feel like, in finance, my diet consisted of Cinnabons
and Mountain Dew. Yeah, I lived off of
frozen pizza and Red Bull. But you must eat much healthier
now, I’m assuming. See, not exactly, but my
clients, right? They come in, and they always wanna know
the newest fad diet. Right. One of the guys came in, and I completely
played a prank on him, and told him to go on
the Peelio diet. You mean, Paleo diet. No. Peelio. I literally convinced
this guy to only eat foods
that he can peel, so he was eating bananas,
shrimp, and like,
hard-boiled eggs. Wow, that’s amazing.
Ha, ha! Sorry about that.
There’s a bit of a situation. Lots of blood,
but don’t worry. The little guy’s
fine now. Uh, “lots of blood”? “Little guy”? You don’t know what I do? You must think
I’m insane. I’m doing my residency at L.A.
Children’s Hospital right now. Oh, I-I had no idea. You know, that’s a–
That’s a bold icebreaker. Can’t say I didn’t
make an impression. Oh, wow. I don’t know what to get. I want everything
on the menu. Yep.
It all looks good. So you said you didn’t know
what I did. I’m guessing
you didn’t Google me? [CHUCKLES] I came in blind. Wow. That’s super refreshing. It’s nice to let things
unfold organically. In real life,
you know? Yeah, it is. Hey. [SIGHS]
What are you doing here
in person? Look, Chloe, we… We can’t connect through
a screen protector. There’s a reason why I haven’t
been texting you back, okay? Good night. Whoa. Okay, look. I will not be ghosted. I know IRL
can be uncomfortable, but I decided it’s worth being
uncomfortable because I– I missed you. So I came
to see you. [SCOFFS] No guy’s ever shown up for me
IRL before. It’s fairly creepy,
but… it’s also kind of sweet. I– Well, I didn’t think
it was, like, that creepy. But, yeah, go– [♪♪♪] Who you gonna call? Don’t– No, don’t. Ghost– Really? I thought maybe– Okay. No, don’t do that. Two brothers and one sister. Yourself? Only child. Ah! That’s the best. I mean,
all the attention’s on you. No, that’s the worst!
All the attention’s on you. [CHUCKLES] No, you know, being part of
a big family, I always imagined myself with,
like, at least two kids. You? Ah, you know, I’m just… hopin’ to get married first. Wait. You really never thought
about how many kids you want? I mean, for me, I always
imagined two boys growing up with each other,
always being there, and then comes the youngest, the girl.
So as she grows up, she has two brothers
that look over her. Wow. That sounds like
one big happy family.♪ Na na na na ♪So your dating profile said
you work in apparel? Yeah. I work for
my parents. Mainly kids apparel.
It’s not that exciting. But that’s awesome. You get to
see your family all the time. You grow up here in L.A.? Born and raised. Ah. Super jealous of
your childhood. I mean, you had the beach
and Disneyland. Still a season pass holder. Oh, Peter, I don’t know how
to break it to you, but you don’t need a pass
for the beach. [CHUCKLES]
thanks for the tip. So, uh, how about you? I grew up on the East Coast, and then I came out here for
school and never left. The weather too good, right? [CHUCKLES] Sure. But I feel like
if you’ve lived in L.A. for longer than three years, and you still say
the weather’s the best part, you have not
had Korean barbecue, and you’ve not been Downtown. I 100 percent agree with that. I mean, people always
give me a hard time for never leaving
my hometown, but it’s L.A. I mean,
we have everything here. Yeah.
Except for sane people. [CHUCKLING]
Wait, what? The dating scene here? Oh. It’s really hard to meet
someone genuine, someone real. Well, maybe because we all
grew up goin’ to Disneyland. [LAUGHS] Should we
get another drink? Yeah. Sure. [CLEARS THROAT] You know, I was just about to get off
this whole dating app thing, but… you’re the first
person I’ve met who hasn’t made me wanna take
a fake phone call. Oh, there’s–
There’s still time for that. [LAUGHS] To be honest,
this has been fun. “You miss a hundred percent
of the shots you don’t take.” Ugh, that’s so cheesy. Sorry. I just… I played a lot of sports
growing up. No, no, no, that–
That was my senior quote. [LAUGHS] JOANNA:Well, yeah,it started out great,
and then… He got weird?No.I don’t know. He–
You know, he’s nice and cute, but… I don’t know, maybe
it just wasn’t there for me. There had to have been
something wrong with him. He was, like, talking
about kids at one point. That seemed a little quick.I mean,at this age, it’s kind of
fair game to talk about. I mean, is the goal of the pact
to get married, or do you justnot wanna be single, or…?You know what… maybe the pact’s too confusing.
Maybe I should just call it off. What? Yesterday, you were
all in. What happened? I don’t know. I thought the
whole point of this was to just, you know, be in the trenches
with Peter, goin’ on dates,but I just wanna find
a meaningful relationship.You do realize in order to find
a meaningful relationship, you will have to go on dates. Your plan seems
a little flawed.All I know
is that I’m havingway more fun
hanging out with Peter than going on
all these dates.When he gets here,
I’m gonna call it off.Uh… so quick question.
Is your ex namedCarl Ditani, and is hegetting married to
an Allison Apticure? Yeah, why? Uh, a little crazy…
I’m doing their wedding. What?But I totally canmess with them. You know, like,
do they have any allergies? No, heh. You know,
you don’t have to do that. Are you sure?
‘Cause you don’t know what I can do with tulips. You’re crazy. Um, Peter
just got here. I gotta go.I’m gonna tell him.
Okay? Bye.[PHONE DISCONNECTS] Whoa.
Sorry I’m late. It went
longer than expected. Ah! So did I pick
a winner? Actually,
she was pretty great. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. I mean,
I was a little worried when she showed up
15 minutes late and sweaty, but it turns out that
she was a doctor. And we had fun
getting to know each other. Nice. Well, I’m happy
to hear that. How about you?
How was Todd? Um, he was all right.
Um… Really easy to talk to. Mainly because he did
most of the talking. So you think
you’ll see him again? I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know
that he’s for me, but…maybe. We’ll see. [INHALES] What about you and Sarah? I don’t know. I haven’t thought
about it yet. [CELL PHONE BUZZES] Top 10 rides at Disneyland. Oh, this is for you. It’s from the app. Oh, that’s hilarious. It’s from Sarah. We kind of bonded over
Disneyland. Oh, okay,
California Screamin’ should not be that high
on the list. Oh, my God, I’m sorry.
Uh, I should sign off here. This app. Well, it seems like you guys
had a really good time. I feel like
you should see her again. Really? Yeah. I mean, why not? That’s what the pact is about,
right? Yeah. I guess so. It’s funny. Part of me wanted to
call off the pact tonight. But, like Sarah said, “You miss 100 percent
of the shots you don’t take.” Yep. That’s right. [♪♪♪]