Who scored 81 points in one single game? It’s Kobe the Mamba Bryant!
Light up a joint and shout out his name It’s Kobe the Mamba Bryant!
Game winning threes. The king of the bank. It’s Kobe the Mamba Bryant!
Gold like me teeth, Purple like me drank It’s Kobe the Mamba Bryant!
People may say that the Lakers now suck But he got five rings so he don’t give a—
Alright, alright. Very good. Off you go! Working bard or bardly working?
Excuse me! Excuse me, everybody! If I may have everybody’s attention! It is time for
the gift giving ceremony! *Applause*
From House 76ers and the people of Philadelphia, Your Grace it is my honor to present you with
this autographed Lower Merion jersey. Oh… wonderful… thank you. Just throw it
over there with the others. Could you please “shoe” them away? The
stench is unbearable. Thank you. You may now go.
Ugh, here we go. A teddy bear?
A Clutch doll for your youngest daughter, your Grace. But feel free to use it to help
you sleep at night. I hear it can be scary growing old and irrelevant.
Well I think it’s lovely, Dwight. And remarkably soft. In fact, this must be the softest thing
in all the land! A wonderful memento to remember you by.
Here ye! Here ye! His Airness Jordan has arrived! Horns blasting.
Oh oh, how lovely for Michael to show up. His Airness apologizes he cannot attend your
retirement celebration. Aww.
He has a message for the Mamba. Kobe, I was like an older brother to you.
Please enjoy this commemorative bobbling doll. It’s a… lovely… thank you.
Ah, Shaq Of Neal! Good to see you old friend. Likewise. I bring you the finest donkey from
all the land. *Donkey cough*
Please have your chefs prepare it, and do let me know how my ass tastes.
Laughter. *Throat clears*
*Glass clinks* And now the ceremonial passing of the torch
to the next great Laker! Pfft, Clarkson, yeah right!
No chance no chance. I think it might be Randle! It’s gonna be D’Angelo.
Oh it must be D’Angelo. Maybe Larry Nance.
It’s D’Angelo! D’Angelo! It’s not gonna be D’Angelo. He sends inappropriate
ravens! What if it’s a draft pick!
Maybe it’s like, uh, Wiggins or someone on another team?
I don’t think he’s passing to anyone! I think you’re right! He’s… he’s refusing
to pass! HE’S REFUSING TO PASS!
HE’S REFUSING TO PASS! Just get the rebound!
*Medieval royal court music*