I see a fifth- or sixth-seed team [cheers] Who will, at best, make it to the second round We are the new Kings of the East! Ugh, this again? Didn’t we do this last year? I defend anyone Except LeBron We’ll take the horse Wait, I’m not a bust He says he’s not a bust Oh, he’s a bust all right There will be a new King in the East [terrible scream] But, why must you leave? I’m a free agent now Will you be back? Aye. One way or another But…but, where will you go? I will raise the sails of me heart and let the winds of destiny blow where they– and let the winds of destiny blow where they–
-C’mon mate You’re wearing a Lakers tunic Well…yeah Paul, you realize House Lakers are bad, right? Russ, in my years, I’ve come to accept that I will lose in the playoffs no matter where I go But Los Angeles has a beach [sniffles] [sniffles]
Alright, well I must be going. Grunion season is upon us Yah yah! Surf’s up, mate Aw, c’mon now, Russ. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna go anywhere. [sob] [murmur]
I actually kind of liked Pusha T’s diss track [murmur]
I don’t wanna tell Drake, though [murmur]
I thought he went too far talking about Drake’s parents and all [bang] Shh, shh, Drake wants to say something Shh, shh, Drake wants to say something
[bang] You’re wondering why I brought you all here After all, we just had a feast to celebrate our No. 1 seed And since when does Old Drake give two feasts in a single fortnight? [murmur]
Yeah, we love you Drake! Well it’s no good being Lord of the Six if you can’t celebrate a
first-round victory with your woes The great knights of House Raptors! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, we’re the North! Sure, the scribes, they don’t want to talk about us [grunts] Some dingy house in the North [laughs] They all just want to talk about The Process Boo! Boo!
Ben Simmons can suck my– And the washed up King LeBron Boo!
I hate LeBron! Well I say, LeBron can have his stupid Feast of the East Yeah! This year, the North will feast on the East! [cheer] But first, a toast! No more of that southern horse piss No more of that southern horse piss Proper wine for proper knights Courtesy of your Champagne Papi Stand together! North…over everything! North over everything! Not you I’m not wasting good wine on a damn horse Here, to the men who slaughtered
the Wizards in only six games That’s right, we did!
Yeah, they suck! Yes, yes. Cheer. Brave men. All of you Took six games to beat a house that had three less wins this year than the Nuggets That’s right! Oh… Haven’t you little northern knights learned? After all these years, killing pawns means nothing if you can’t fell the King [choking] Am I dying? No, we’re just choking. You’ll get used to it. When people ask you what happened here, tell them King James still rules the East Also, tell them I’m better than Michael Jordan King James has slaughtered the Raptors in four battles But I thought The Messiah Ujiri could walk on water Wah! Any other Master of Trades would be torched The King then conquered Bostonia after a grueling seven battles Wah! Tatum’s ceiling is still lower than Fultz Hm, what’s this? Bryan Colangelo is dumb and his collars are too big, ugh Wah! Brian’s collars are normal-sized, find a new slant Aw, thank you Honest Abe Wah! Bryan is a class act! I worked with him. So classy! You know, when my wife decided to raise little burner ravens, I had my doubts But I’ve really grown to love you all Even you, little Jacob Reuben Wah! Bryan you’re so attractive. Jahlil failed his physical, did you know that? Oh, Phila1234567, did someone mention me? Hmm…from Joel Lord Hinkie is better and smarter than you, Eric Jr. Eric Jr.?! Wah! Wish I had a medium-sized ladder! Shh, shh! What’s this? The Curious Case of Bryan Long Collars? Wah! Normal Collar! Shut up, shut up! It’s long Bryan, are you in there? I’m busy! Maester Detrick of the Ringer Guild has published a paper
accusing you of using burner ravens Is this true? What? No, that’s ridiculous Sorry, Honest Abe Wah! Class Act! Where is he getting all this? Some analytics wizard did an analysis of the scrolls Analytics wizard? No… [gasps] Hinkie! [knock, knock] That you, Lord Ainge? [muffled] Teamwork Gordon? Another late night of boardgaming? Alright, Terry. I think maybe you’re taking this “scary” thing a bit too far, no? Your Grace? What are you doing here? Dah! Aah! [pant] Hwah! It is your time Spurs of the East [screams in pain]