John Mulaney’s Attempt to Solve a Mystery Was Unsuccessful
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John Mulaney’s Attempt to Solve a Mystery Was Unsuccessful

October 20, 2019

-I know you are a great lover of
crime documentaries, crime novels,
real true crime books. -Yes. -And you’ve had
some interactions, some brushes with danger
recently. -Well, yes. I don’t — you know, I don’t
want crime to happen to me, but I’m a — [ Laughter ] And that’s why
I’m running for mayor. [ Laughter ] I don’t want crime
to happen to me. I like — I love true crime and have been a little obsessed
with it. I went on a date once
with a wonderful young lady, who halfway through the date
revealed that her dad had worked on the Jonbenet case,
and I was just like, “Whoa!” And then I asked her a thousand
questions about Jonbenet, and we didn’t have
a second date. [ Laughter ] But I have always wanted to
solve a crime. And I woke up
a couple months ago. I was on a break
after a lot of touring, and I went outside my house
in Los Angeles and my car — well, my car was shut. I went inside
and it’d been rummaged through. Someone had been in there
and they left a hat. They left a baseball cap
on the passenger side seat. So I went — I go, “Aha!” And my car had been
broken into before. So I go, “This time, we got
a break in the case.” So I go inside
and I got my surgical gloves. And I come back out
and I had a Ziploc bag and I had my surgical gloves
and I grabbed it just so. You know? Not tainted. [ Laughter ] And I put it in the Ziploc bag. And then I remembered that
during the O.J. case, that Dennis Fong,
you know that guy. He ruined some of the DNA
because it got too warm outside. So I put it in the refrigerator.
So I take the hat and the bag. [ Laughter ] I go, “I’m no Dennis Fong.”
I put it in the fridge. Then I called the authorities. Then I waited in front of
my house like this. Because I was, like, “Fellas, don’t worry.
It’s under control.” -Well, you’ve pretty much done
all the work for them. -Oh, absolutely. -Yeah.
-Yeah. I’ve done the sleuthing
and the forensics already. And they’re safely
in my crisper drawer. So they show up and they go,
“What’s the situation?” I go,
“Someone broke into my car.” They said,
“Did they break a window?” I said, “No, I leave
my car unlocked.” Because people used to break in
and break the windows. So now I leave it unlocked.
[ Laughter ] And they said,
“What did they take?” I said, “I have no idea
if they took anything, because I have no idea
what’s in my car.” You know, I’ll find, like,
my wife’s glasses sometimes and wear them if it’s sunny. So I have no — it’s just
a scavenger hunt in there. They said, “Why haven’t you
ever called us before?” And I said, “Because now we have
a break in the case.” [ Laughter ] And I led these two LAPD
officers in my house to the refrigerator. And I opened it up
and I took out the hat. And I was like,
“He left his hat in the car.” They’re like, “Okay.” And I was like, “So you can run
that through CODIS.” [ Laughter ] “You can run that and maybe you
can get a hit on who it is.” They were like, “Why would
we run it through CODIS?” And I was like,
“Because he committed a crime.” They were like, “Barely.” [ Laughter ] They were like,
“One, he didn’t break and enter because you left your car open. Two, he stole nothing. Maybe we have him
for trespassing. But we don’t do
a national DNA search.” -You could frame it
as the guy gave you a hat. -That is an interesting way
to look at it. [ Laughter ] Real glass half full type guy. Me, some guy touched my car, and I’m gonna nail him
because of the DNA. But I said to them, you know, like, “You know, this can
escalate, you know? Today it’s a car.
Tomorrow, it’s an Escalade. He escalates.”
[ Laughter ] And so — but I said,
“You know, Manson.” And I don’t like to
speak ill of the dead, but he was a lousy guy, right? [ Laughter ] He would creepy crawl around —
that’s his term. -Yeah.
-People’s houses and stuff. And he gradually —
he was up to no good. [ Laughter ] So I said, I said,
“I understand that, but what if this guy escalates? Don’t you want his DNA on file?” And they’re like, “What file?
What are you talking about?” And they’re like, “The only way
we would need a DNA profile is if” — and then I said,
“If he murders somebody.” Then I remembered that sometimes
serial killers like to help the police,
you know? And this whole time I’ve been
talking about “this guy” in the third person. Like, “he’s quite cunning,
but he will be back.” [ Laughter ] And then my friend had had her
car broken into down the street, and I said,
“You should go ask her, because her car
was also broken into.” And they said, “Was anything
stolen from hers?” I go, “I don’t know. Let me let
her know that you’re coming.” And I said,
“The police are coming. Tell them
that he stole something.” Which I thought was a great way
to get the hat, again, which is nice and cool in the
fridge, in the national system. It turns out that that is
framing someone for a crime. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -But I will break rules
to get these guys behind bars. [ Laughter ] -If they’re watching right now, they should know you’re
the wrong guy to mess with. -Absolutely. You come in my RAV4 and quickly
realize I have no valuables. How dare you. And the mud on the carpet,
oh, that’s mine? All right. -I want to say real quick, so
exciting, “Big Mouth” is back. -Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Fantastic show.
-Yes. Created by Nick Kroll
and Andrew Goldberg. And it’s based on
their friendship. Nick and Andrew and I get to
voice Andrew alongside my very good friend,
Nick Kroll, who also voices
the hormone monster seen there. -It’s a fantastic show. I’m so excited
it’s back for a second season. -I am so excited, too.
-It’s always great to see you.

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  1. John Mulaney tells the best stories, always funny, I wish the two of you were back on SNL, it's not been the same since either of you left, the skits are silly and ridiculous and not funny. I laughed more at this interview than I have laughed in the past few months watching SNL…just sayin ~~

  2. ‘It escalates, ya know today it’s a car, tomorrow it’s an Escalade…ya know coz it escalates’….dead 😂😂😂

  3. Oh John. This is not my story, but my friend’s. However, I must tell you.

    Lee’s meticulously kept pickup truck was stolen from in front of her house. She called the police. They refused to even take a report. About a week later, she saw the pickup parked in the driveway of a house just a few blocks away! She looked inside to verify that it was hers. It was, but now her pristine truck had candy wrappers and coffee cups and trash and even a grocery list! She was more appalled at how someone had treated her beloved truck than the fact that someone had stolen it to run errands! She called the police while she was standing in front of the house of the their. The police asked her if she had the keys. She said that yes, she did. The police then told her to just drive it back home. Not kidding. She said that she wanted to press charges. They ‘convinced’ her (not) that since the thief lived in her neighborhood that it was best to just take the truck back and be thankful that it was still in one piece. So she drove the truck home, and spent a small fortune detailing it. True story. Sad.

  4. you come in MY RAV4? and quickly realize i have no valuables? how dare you! and the mUD on THE CARPET?? oh thats mine??? alrigHT!

  5. He’s just too funny. 🤣 4:55 ‘And the mud on the on the carpet oh that’s mine, alllriiiiighttt ‘lol love it.

  6. “you come in my rav4 and quickly realize i have no valuables? how dare you

    “… and the mud on the carpet? oh that’s mine? oh alright.”

  7. why do US talk shows never have any segways. it's like
    guest: long anecdote
    host: ……….so how bout that tv show huh

  8. This girl he went on a date with has such bad taste in men haha. I would've entertained every question lolz

  9. I had someone do the exact same thing and they left a pair of exercise pants. They took my ashtray filled with change. I guess that was their even trade/exchange. Weird but amazing. It made for a good story to connect to his! Maybe it was actually a superhero…the same person. 😁

  10. John Mulaney is the only guy who be the gayest person ever and yet still remain unquestionably straight.

  11. “I don’t speak ill of the dead but he was a lousy guy, right?” This is exactly what it’s like being into True Crime lmaoo

  12. You can see Seth just staring at him like "John, where is this going?" especially when he mentions Manson. Like, wait what?

  13. Since his sitcom didn't work out he should try a dark comedy murder mystery show. I think that would be really great.

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