It’s a #MOMTRUTH Friday! Is this supposed to be for moms so we can relate? Or maybe so that they can share with
their partners to get a little insight? I feel like it’s our job to share why your
pony’s not getting a ride, gentlemen. And why your Johnson’s not getting the
southern comfort that it used to. And why when we see it coming we most definitely turn a blind eye. We don’t want that one-eyed snake near us. Why are men so shocked? I know you put a ring on it and you’re all like “let’s do it! It’s like sex for life!” But you want to pretend that I didn’t shoot babies out of that thing? Now let me tell you, there’s a few
reasons why the shop is closed for a little bit. It’s like how people have
intermittent fasting, this is intermitting… Back in the day when we used to just have to worry about waking up, going to some bangin’ job downtown, and talking to adults… Maybe, underneath that work outfit, I had a little surprise waiting that I couldn’t wait to show you. Like a little lacy thong. Now? When you come home do you know what’s underneath? It’s my nursing bra! Big. Giant. Huge. Cotton bras. Because if we don’t put these on, our nipples are gonna be hanging on the ground! They actually hit our legs and it hurts! They bump our knees! I don’t really want you sucking on them anymore! Your panties look like this because you
gotta go over the mum-tum. If not, your bums hungry. The bigger the better for moms. There’s a lot that happens down there that you don’t know about so to get sexy with granny panties, not happening! These are comfy and I’m looking for comfort to make it through the day. What used to be for your viewing
pleasure and used to be your fun ride, now, these are restaurants. You know what
happened to my body all day? Someone was either in me, on me,
or around me. Touching me. Grabbing me. Pushing me. Punching me. Asking me. Tugging me. Barfing on me. Peeing on me. And, quite literally, throwing stuff on me. You walk in the door and I’m all ready to jump? Not ready to jump! Not to mention if I happen to have showered and blow-dried my hair, I’m not interested in getting it messy! I just got clean I haven’t had a shower and God knows how long and now I’m gonna have a shower to get dirty? Nuh-uh! I want to be cozy and sleep. Another reason why us moms are just really having a hard time jumping back on the saddle is because what goes on in our heads all day long. Dudes, listen up. Here’s what
we’re gonna say: the challenge of keeping people alive, fed, forms filled, you’re their emotional parachute. It’s clear that you’re able to just turn it all off and turn on the porn, but for us we can’t stop this. We don’t think with our lady bits.
You maybe want to ride on the lady bit train then what you need to do is… Pet my feelings, my heart, and my brain. I want to know why I’m great. Not why my
vagina’s great. Cuz we know you love that. Why am I great? We know it sounds complicated. We get it.
Just try to understand. The pony is not broken. It’s just, these beautiful children we birthed for you, that we asked for for life, and that we fornicated for a lot to get, they beat a lot out of us. Happy #MOMTRUTH Friday. Let your partner’s know the pony ride
is a hard one for us. Not that we don’t want to jump on that pony though. Like, share, and subscribe.
Let us know if you’re on the pony.