[dramatic trailer voice
reading titles] [blade clinks] [cocks weapon] [pleasurable giggle] [roars] [growls] Bless you to hell! [roars] [evil, squeaky laughter] That was the latest trailer
for Killcore introducing league play, all in prep
for the blood match, where one team
is gonna take home $1 million,
so you better believe every eSports team out there
is gunning for Killcore players, including the legendary
Lucid Nightmare. I’m here with their coach, SteaminSemen. I’d actually prefer
“Steamin.” That was–
I came up with that name
when I was 15 years old. Oh, I’m sorry, man.
Oh, no. Also, I need to correct you
on something. Lucid Nightmare
isn’t looking for players. We’re looking for gamers. Players play.
Gamers game. Gaming is work.
Work isn’t fun. -Games are fun.
-Right. When you play them. Because when they stop
being fun, you can quit. -You can’t quit gaming.
-Right. But we could fire you
if we catch you playing. Listen, tomorrow’s
pro-gaming champion isn’t sitting on a sofa
right now with his junk in one hand
and his controller in the other. If that stereotype still exists, I don’t know what he
hopes to achieve. [medieval pipe music soundtrack] [keys jingle, lock clicks] -Hey.
-Hey. What’d you do all day? Uh, different stuff. Errands. -Errands?
-Yeah. What kind of errands? -Post office.
-Post office? -Yeah.
-You… went to the post office? -Yeah.
-For mail? No, for ice.
Yes, for mail. I usually just use
the mailbox. Are you writing a book
about my day? Did you spend it
playing video games? -Yes!
-Good! Don’t be ashamed! Because I saw something that’s gonna
take your balls, blow ’em out of your ass into a box of more balls. What do you think when I
say the word “essports”? I think the TV was in a bar,
the volume was muted, and you’re trying
to say “eSports.” Yeah, I am.
There’s this game, uh, Kill-something. Something-Core. -Killcore.
-You know it? I pieced it together. Dude, Ryland, they have
tournaments, man, like, you can win
a million dollars. They made a job
out of doing the thing that not having a job
used to look like! It’s probably a MOBA. It goes without
fucking saying, man. What’s a MOBA? It’s five guys pressing
four keys in a pattern against another five guys
pressing the same four keys
in another pattern. This is something different.
This is one guy… -slowly dying inside.
-Dude, you really
know your shit. I’m gonna Google this,
but I’m gonna need -110% from you.
-Of what? That’s what I’m Googling!
You in or you out, Ryland? Oh, I’m in, buddy. I’m doin’ this. I support you. -Not joking.
-I believe you. [electropop plays] [e-brake grinds] Here’s my first draft pick. Check out his ganks. Check out his ganks?
We’re checking ganks now? We’re recruiting gamers.
That’s what we do,
we check ganks. -How did you even find
-I gave his IP address to a friend of mine
at the cable company. -You stalked a man.
-No. A boy. He’s a young boy,
and we stalked him,
as partners. [doorbell rings] Hi, you must be
Kamal’s sister? Because don’t
tell me– Okay, look, Kamal is
grounded from his computer. He is not allowed
on a computer. I have dismantled his computer
until 2020 AD, okay? -Okay, bye.
-Wait! Ma’am, I appreciate that,
but have you considered the fact that Kamal
is no ordinary child? You think it’s my fault
how he is? You think
Jeffrey Dahmer’s mother said, “Jeffrey, why don’t you
stop eating that cookie
and eat a person”? You get who you get. Are you guys with
the small penis people? -What?
-The micropenis support group. Now, I told your guy,
that what do you call him, the moderator, Kamal
is sorry for hacking you. It won’t happen again
because he has
no computer. Good enough, okay? Good enough. Okay. Ma’am, no one
with a micropenis wants to see this
go to court. Please, if we could
just talk to Kamal. I mean, I have to,
but you? I wish it were up to me,
but this came from the top. The micropenis president. [knocks] Kamal. Kamal!
[speaking Hindi] [teacher] Mrs. Pasala,
Kamal’s not a bully exactly. It’s more like
he tricks his classmates into bullying themselves. -[chitters]
-[gunshot] [sighs] I’m sorry
you have tiny penises. -Good enough for me.
-Not me. If I wanted to hear
an apology for my penis, I’d listen to myself
in my group, a group that you violated
with– [coughing] I’m sorry, Mrs. Pasala,
I’m suffering from what’s known
as penis shame throat. -I’ll get you some water.
-Okay, thank you so much. Kid, we lied to your mom.
We have average-sized penises and we’re starting
a Killcore team. You down? I want a computer
with a GTX-1080 and five hundo a week. -Yeah, right.
-Four hundo. And you have to say
the whole word, “hundred.” -Yeah, right.
-450, and I talk
how I wanna talk, bitch. Four hundo fifty
and I co-opt the word “hundo,” sapping it
of any appeal. Whose money
are we paying him? Yours, dick. -We’ll get sponsors.
-You’re a dick. -Good one.
-You’re a good one. -That’s what your mom said.
-Well, you’re stupid
for believing her. My mom overpraises.
mean nothing. 450, deal? Deal. Ow. Look for a message
from Alextrifying, two words, Alex
and -trifying, at Hotmail– Male– male pride. To male pride. Ahh! Thank you, Mrs. Pasala, and thank you, Kamal,
for that lovely apology. I feel as though our hearts
and penises grew three sizes today. Okay, no more penis talk
in my house. Go! Get out now! Go!
I’m done with you people. Go! Tennis. Did you just say tennis? Yeah, they like it. [continues grunting] Hey! You BallBang96
on Killcore? [powerful grunt,
ball smacks] You’re gonna be off
that leg for a while. So try to relax.
Enjoy some downtime. -Are you stalking me?
-No. But we did find out
who you are because the guy we thought
was BallBang96 definitely turned out
to be stalking you. 500 yards, Herman! You’re really good
at Killcore. Best tank top
in the state. -It’s tank.
-What’d I say? What do you want? We’re recruiting
for a Killcore tournament. Oh, boys, boys, stop. I learned how to play that game
while my knee healed. I’m glad to know
I’m good at it, but I’m an actual athlete. I’m gonna go
to the Olympics. [powerful grunt] Maybe not these next Olympics,
but… Olympics. -What category?
-Women’s singles. Is the medal for that one
smaller than the one for men’s
singles, or just less gold? -Excuse me?
-You didn’t quit playing
Killcore when your knee healed. We found you here because
you’ve been playing here. When I’m waiting
for a court to open up. Every chance you get.
Because you got a
taste of something from Killcore
that “real” sports
can’t give you. -Pizza.
-An accurate measurement
of your talent and discipline. A chance to go on a completely
level playing field, no categories,
no asterisks. I’m just saying,
you could do this
and play with us. You have a card
or something? I have my number on a piece
of French fry bag. I’ll think about it. Dude, that
was incredible. You totally got
inside her head. Yeah, well, jocks are into
that whole winning thing. Double kill. Triple kill! Dominating! Megakill. Wicked sick! Holy shit! Beyond godlike. Yes! Holy crap, Ryland,
when did you get so good? I forgot I used to play DotA
before the whole MOBA craze. I guess some things
never really change. -Hmm…
-This is the third time he’s killed the core
in under 15 minutes. He’s okay. No, he’s not just okay.
He’s the best I’ve ever seen, and I’ve
played with everybody. Lucid Nightmare, Math Pain, Spine Deep, Dog Cock.
All the greats. So you’ll join
our happy few? No. Real teams pay.
You can’t afford me. Cool, uh, so we’ll
put you on the maybe list. [door closes] Guys, I’m totally
gonna get us a sponsor. -It is happening.
-Bullshit. If you really had money,
why are you dressed
like a French hobo? And why’s your carpet
all crunchy? Do you guys really care
more about money
than you do this team? We’re good.
We have a shot. At a million dollars,
which is called money, which you guys
care about. More than the team
which doesn’t exist because you have no money. Guys, winning a million dollars
isn’t about money. It’s about freedom
from money. If you had a million dollars,
you could drop out of school. And if you had
a million dollars,
you could buy a jar of name-brand peanut butter
and throw it off a bridge and then buy another jar
of peanut butter, and you better believe
you could throw that shit
off a bridge, too. It’s good to have dreams. [knocking] I’m just saying money’s
a state of mind. It’s not a real thing. It has no bearing
on the material world. Hey, you guys are evicted! Hi, Lorenzo, can you
hold on for one second? Oh, I’ve been hanging on
for, like, six months, and now you guys
are blowing fuses, you got strange-looking people
coming in and out… Not. I mean, strangers. Not strange-looking. I did not vote for… What is all this? Oh, we’re starting
a Killcore team. It’s an eSport,
like, uh– -Video game.
-Ah, must be nice. Broke, you’re unemployed,
you’re six months
behind in rent… Yeah! Let’s play
video games. You don’t think I want
to play video games? Sounds great,
but I have work to do! And I have impulse control,
and therefore I have money. Lorenzo, I didn’t know
you liked video games. -What?
-What’s your game? Oh, don’t change
the subject. Gauntlet, if I had to pick. This is basically Gauntlet. It is? I mean… So? Wait, which guy am I? You’re that guy. That guy’s dying. Yeah, but…
that’s good. It is?
I’m supposed to die? Yeah. You’re evolving. Goddamn, Lorenzo, it’s scary
how good you are at this. Seriously?
‘Cause I feel like I’m just hitting buttons
randomly. I’m just gonna come out
and say it: Please be on our team. Oh, right, yeah.
So I come here to evict you and it just happens
to turn out I have a magic video game talent and you want me
on your team? Son, I’ve set you up
for life. Please don’t fuck that up. [laughing] Yes! This is the greatest moment
in my entire life! I’m like the King of Kong! [female vocalist
sings buzzy pop] [kisses] Yes! “eSports People”? I registered the night
of the deadline. Names are hard.
I couldn’t think of one. Well, you could think of one.
It was eSports People. [Ryland]
It’s a charity event. It’s not that important.
The name’s not a big deal. “Not A Big Deal” would
actually be a good name. Better than eSports People. Other better names would’ve
been “The Bad Names,” or “The Badly Named Namers,” or “ISIS.” I think you guys
are just nervous about our first big event, but you shouldn’t be
because you’re every bit the video game player
that I am. You just need
more confidence, and that goes
double for you, Sam. It goes double for me? I don’t see your race
or your vagina. I didn’t… show them. I get it, Millennial rules. I smelt it, I dealt it. I’m just addressing
the elephant, which is– Thank you
for the reassurance, but I really think
we should stop talking about who earned their spot. There’s more than one way
of earning the spot, so don’t screw this up. You mean like what
you’re doing right now? Hey, you are both
fireworks. -[Kamal yelling]
-You wanna get some truth?
-Stop yelling! -Jesus Christ, Ryland.
-[Ryland] It’s a charity event. Everyone is yelling! -[honking]
-[thump] I’m sure that animal
was a dick. Well, it’s
a possum, right? Aren’t they famous
for playing dead? Yeah, but I don’t think
they use special effects. It’s breathing… Stop, you’re
scaring it. It’s okay. [raspy breathing] [crack] Oh, sh– Life is a highway. -It’s not funny!
-Is there something
you want to say, Kamal? -If I don’t, will she kill me?
-He was in pain. I see peace
in what you did, Sam. I see a reason not to share
my pain with her. Then it died
for a good cause. All right, look,
this little scrapper sacrificed himself
on the altar of my tire -to send a message.
-Speed limit 45? Be a team! Fate didn’t bring
us together to be lovers, or friends, or strangers
that can stand each other. He brought us together
to play a MOBA. -A MOBA?
-Yes. Such a dumb word. Now, we are who we are,
but we will get back on that van an eSports team
with a name that we will beat later
in a brainstorming session– -We’re late.
-And very inspired, Alex. He came out of nowhere. I’m Naomi, and welcome
to Anaheim Cares, where we’re reporting
from between two
gender-normative bathrooms. And I’m Terry Crews.
And I’m so excited to be here I don’t care what
I have to smell! [Lorenzo] So, what
is this charity? Is it giving kids
who like games
new wheelchairs, or kids in wheelchairs
new games? It’s giving us
a chance to be great. Holy shit.
Excuse me, sweetie. Oh, my God, you know
my real name. Oh, I’m sorry,
did I trigger you?
Forgive me. I’m about to give
you a million
free clicks. Follow me. Bring
your camera guy. [Lorenzo] What are
real athletes doing here? That’s Lucid Nightmare. When do we get
to play them? We don’t get
to play them, Old Bones. Only the crippled kids do. [tire squeaks] Hey, I’m so glad
you could join us. You mind if we do
a quick segment? Wait, why? Three, two, one. Hey, guys, this is Ash Donovan
here at Anaheim Cares, and I’m joined
by Steamin, who’d like to give
some hot tips to a very special competitor
new to the Killcore scene. What are you doing here? Come on, that’s no way
to greet an old friend. -Bring it in, buddy.
-No. No, we’re not friends. I thought that you were dead
or in rehab or something. How you been?
Oh, my God. Are you here
to play? That’s amazing.
at our age. I mean, these puppies
are done for. Arthritis? Gone.
I can’t play anymore. -I have to go.
-Wait, wait, wait. This is important.
This is inspiring. It’s great to see you
back on the horse, buddy. You know
who this is, right? No. This is BoogerBoss. Oh, my God, how did I not– -The legendary BoogerBoss.
-…see that? Wow! Look up his stats!
B-O-O-G-E-R-B-O-S-S. -Don’t look it up.
-One word! -[young Ryland]
Goddamn it, Mom!
-Oh, oh, yeah. You changed
my DotA password? Do you know
who I am? DotA’s my life! [laughter] No! No! [mom] Not until
you do the litter. You do the litter! I’m BoogerBoss! DotA’s my life! Why?! Why?! [screaming] Oh, my God! Goddamn… If you don’t get
your ass back in there, you guys are, like,
double evicted. So now we all have
to give up because
of that video? Yeah, did you think we thought
you were cool before? [Alex] That’s why
you didn’t tell me
you were amazing at this. Who said I was
amazing at this? I didn’t. It’s not like
I was trying to be. Who would do that
when I could be at a park throwing
a ball around
or touching a boob? None of this matters
to me, man. The only reason I did this is because you wanted
to win a million dollars. Everything I’ve done,
I’ve done for you. Oh, thank you!
It’s so hard sleeping on my couch and owing me
thousands of dollars in rent! I could be
a literal French hobo
and I’d be fine! You’re the one who cares
about shit like money
and winning, not me! Fine, I care
about those things, and worse, I care
about fucking MOBAs!
That’s sad, isn’t it? I care about them so much
it makes me fucking hate myself! I can yell, too!
“Hi, my name is Ryland, and these are
my two forms of expression. ‘Oh, I’m fake chill because I don’t want to admit
that I want to win,’ or ‘I’m a little fucking baby
doing a tantrum because I fucking–‘” Oh! Oh, my God! -Are you okay?
-[gasps] It hurts. Oh, are you okay, man? Let’s go get
this looked at. And then beers? And all the beers,
buddy, forever. Okay, nothing
is worth this. Everybody go home. This is all done. Sorry we stalked you
and stuff. But you’re our ride. -BoogerBoss.
-No interviews. Hi! HotDiarrhea. Look, man, I just want
to say I’m sorry. I would never do that
to anyone, especially you. I used to play DotA
back in the day, and you were a legend. Just please take
my apology. Wait, you guys
don’t see a problem here
that solves itself? Get your camera guy. Hey, wait,
is your hand better? If one more person tells me
to get my fucking camera guy… Hey, SteaminSemen. Can I call you Mr. Semen? We got most
of the internet watching thanks to that video
you shared about my buddy. Oh, I-I didn’t share it. I hate that people
keep mocking him. He was a hell
of a player. Anyway, we thought,
“Why waste this
global audience? Why not make this work
for the charity?” Ash had
a really great idea. Totally, yeah!
Well, if you wanna watch DotA legend SteaminSemen
face off against BoogerBoss in Killcore, go ahead,
use the hashtag esportspeople and donate
to Anaheim Cares. Uh, Ash, that’s
a really nice idea, but we’ve already raised
thousands of dollars for the little
wheelchair kids. Did you think that there was
too much money that we could raise
for charity today? Of course not, but, you know,
I don’t play anymore. I bow to BoogerBoss.
He’s the best. Oh, so my team’s
better than your team. So, we’re a lock
We’ll see you there. Sorry, wheelchair kids,
no money for you. Okay, knock it off. My team is very happy to show you who the best is. For the wheelchair kids. [cheering] Hashtag esportspeople. [amazed cheers rise] Oh ho ho ho! In a surprising turn
of events, eSports People
is now neck and neck with Lucid Nightmare! Goddamn it! All right, first one to kill
Slenderman’s Void Sloth gets a bathroom break
at next week’s practice. I think that that’s Steamin
from Lucid Nightmare exploiting a disability
in front of a dozen, maybe a half-dozen
wheelchair kids. -[slash]
-[howl] I’m sorry, guys. What are you doing? Come on, man. Move. Go. Go, go, go. Go. Come on,
what is that shit? No! Ash, you are
a phenomenal player, but we may have more use
for you on camera. What a crowd we’ve got here
today, you guys! Hey, guys, this
is Ash Donovan. All of the major teams… are recruiting
Killcore players. [cheering] Double murder. Oh, come on,
what is this? If we’re the blue team
this time, we’re doing really well! What do I always say?
ABH. Always Be Healing. Use your alt. Use your alt.
How many times I gotta tell you,
Larry, use your alt! 4 v. 5, look alive.
4 v. 5, look alive. [echoing] [all groaning] Sorry, folks, don’t start
looting the place yet. This is just a tiny
technical hiccup. We’re not saying a kid
in a wheelchair rolled over
an extension cord, but we’re not
not saying that. I gotta go
to the bathroom. Sucks about the power,
but that was amazing. I mean, what a show! Kind of told my guys
to drag it out, keep it interesting,
for the kids. But gotta say, man,
you still got it! “This is my life!” Love it. Own it. -[Steamin] Get rid of her.
-Okay. Um, mm, you’re fired. Are you serious? Do I look like Kevin Hart? Do I look like international comedy box-office draw
Kevin Hart? If I answer right,
can I keep my job? I loved that job. I went to Korea
four times a year. And I got myself fired
right before they started an eSports arena in Fiji. And for what? So that I could live
one moment in some dream
where eSports wasn’t dominated by a bunch
of elitist assholes? eSports People
is trending. Holy shit.
[scoffs] Well, the good news is
the league’s not gonna be able to ignore you guys now
without looking like the elitist pricks
that they are! I’m getting
a real anti-elitist vibe
off of you. What’d you give me? Vicodin. Love it. Love you. Love America. Hey, you should replace
me on our team. You’re better than I am,
and we got you fired. I’m not gonna be
on the only team
with two girls. Yeah, well, I’m not gonna be
on the only team with you, -you elitist little shitbag.
-She stays or I go. When women stop competing
with each other and start competing with
each other, great things happen. -What?
-All right, but I’m
keeping my computer. [Alex] Then you’re staying
on the team. Hey, can I still keep
some of our winnings for starting it
and loving everyone? Yeah, it’s called
being a coach, Alex. Me? You’re the only one
into this band. You’re the only regular
at this bar. Be a team!
[echoing] This is one, this is one!
Oh, oh, oh, yeah! Guys, this is going to be
the greatest eSports story
ever told, and not just because
stories about eSports are inherently inaccessible
and unappealing. For Vicodin! [all, weakly] Yay. Hey, did anyone figure out
what Anaheim Cares about? Not you. Congratulations
on your new home. Are we good? I, uh, gotta
get back to the office. Yes, Mr. Cox,
we’re all set. But we’re not
all good. I know what you do. Whoa, wait, uh… I just make video games? [laughs] Video game.
Just made the one. One was enough. My son does nothing
but play your game all day, every day. Maybe he just enjoys it. He used to enjoy math
and physics and space. My boy would’ve taken us
to Mars, motherfucker! -He can still do that.
-I did this for the commission. I think you’re
dogshit, sir. Dog-fucking-shit. [Italian accent]
It’s a good-a show!