Upsilon Dies Backwards
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Upsilon Dies Backwards

August 14, 2019


Horse walks into bar.​Horse walks into bar.​Barman says:​Barman says:​Horse says:​Horse says:​Barman says:​Barman says:​Horse says: “Yeah, I’ve had it before. Uh-“​Horse says: “Yeah, I’ve had it before. Uh-“​“-being that I’m, in fact, a horse…”​“-being that I’m, in fact, a horse…”​And the Barman says: “Okay, look,
i-it was just a joke.”​
And the Barman says: “Okay, look,
i-it was just a joke.”​
And Horse says: “…secondly, frankly-“​And Horse says: “…secondly, frankly-“​“-you degenerate-looking scrote.”​“-you degenerate-looking scrote.”​[music dies]​[music dies]​[cough]​[cough]​Barman says: “Uh…”​Barman says: “Uh…”​Horse says: “Yeah-“​Horse says: “Yeah-“​Barman says: “Look, it’s alright, I-
I shouldn’t have been so rude.”​
Barman says: “Look, it’s alright, I-
I shouldn’t have been so rude.”​
Horse says: “Ah, it’s-“​Horse says: “Ah, it’s-“​“I feel like I’m in someone else’s
imagination, you know?-“​
“I feel like I’m in someone else’s
imagination, you know?-“​
Barman says: “Wow, cloppy, that’s… deep.”​Barman says: “Wow, cloppy, that’s… deep.”​Pelican walks into bar.​Pelican walks into bar.​Pelican says:​Pelican says:​“Any of you fucking pigs ​move​and I’ll​
​execute every last-“​
“Any of you fucking pigs ​move​and I’ll​
​execute every last-“​
Oliver wakes from a horrific dream, a joke
said in a bar with talking animals.​
Oliver wakes from a horrific dream, a joke
said in a bar with talking animals.​
Oliver lives on the fifth floor
of a modern apartment block.​
Oliver lives on the fifth floor
of a modern apartment block.​
He is of average height,​He is of average height,​he dislikes asparagus,​he dislikes asparagus,​he adores the work of Andrei Tarkovsky.​he adores the work of Andrei Tarkovsky.​Below Oliver, in number 23, is Agatha.​Below Oliver, in number 23, is Agatha.​She is of average height,​She is of average height,​she dislikes Venice, specifically gondoliers,​she dislikes Venice, specifically gondoliers,​she adores the work of Isaac Asimov.​she adores the work of Isaac Asimov.​Agatha and Oliver do not realize they live
in the same modern apartment block.​
Agatha and Oliver do not realize they live
in the same modern apartment block.​
They have met only once, and it was a bit shit.​They have met only once, and it was a bit shit.​It transpired in this fashion:​It transpired in this fashion:​Oliver owns a Newfoundland dog called Bertrand.​Oliver owns a Newfoundland dog called Bertrand.​He is of average height,​He is of average height,​he dislikes Pavlov’s experiments,​he dislikes Pavlov’s experiments,​he adores the work of Comrade Laika.​he adores the work of Comrade Laika.​One Saturday afternoon, Oliver required
nourishment for Bertrand the Newfoundland​
One Saturday afternoon, Oliver required
nourishment for Bertrand the Newfoundland​
and, by chance, wondered into Agatha’s pet shop.​and, by chance, wondered into Agatha’s pet shop.​Oliver apprehended Agatha was reading​
​a book called “​​A Scanner Darkly​“,​
Oliver apprehended Agatha was reading​
​a book called “​​A Scanner Darkly​“,​
a personal favorite of his.​a personal favorite of his.​Agatha apprehended Oliver was clearly incapable
of dressing himself and perhaps, like her,​
Agatha apprehended Oliver was clearly incapable
of dressing himself and perhaps, like her,​
was also only ever pretending at being a real person.​was also only ever pretending at being a real person.​Upon making eye contact, their heart rates
both approached severe tachycardia.​
Upon making eye contact, their heart rates
both approached severe tachycardia.​
Oliver selected some dog food at
random and approached the counter.​
Oliver selected some dog food at
random and approached the counter.​
“Mmmmnahey,” Agatha said.​“Mmmmnahey,” Agatha said.​“Aahay, sha,” Oliver replied.​“Aahay, sha,” Oliver replied.​They exchanged an amount of currency.​They exchanged an amount of currency.​The transaction completed, Oliver
stood at the counter a moment too long,​
The transaction completed, Oliver
stood at the counter a moment too long,​
waiting to say something clever and charming.​waiting to say something clever and charming.​“Horse walks into a bar,” Oliver said.​“Horse walks into a bar,” Oliver said.​“Pardon?,” Agatha said.​“Pardon?,” Agatha said.​“[awkward laugh],” Oliver replied.​“[awkward laugh],” Oliver replied.​“[awkward giggle],” Agatha said.​“[awkward giggle],” Agatha said.​Oliver walked home in the rain
swearing to himself at medium volume.​
Oliver walked home in the rain
swearing to himself at medium volume.​
“The horse dream joke,” he thought.
“What the hell is wrong with me?”​
“The horse dream joke,” he thought.
“What the hell is wrong with me?”​
Agatha continued reading but was unable
to keep many of the words in her head.​
Agatha continued reading but was unable
to keep many of the words in her head.​
Her brain was throwing a small shame party
for her. It was neither the first, nor the last.​
Her brain was throwing a small shame party
for her. It was neither the first, nor the last.​
By coincidence, many of Oliver and Agatha’s
molecules have been formed in the same star​
By coincidence, many of Oliver and Agatha’s
molecules have been formed in the same star​
many millions of years in the future.​many millions of years in the future.​The star exploded backwards in time, you see,​The star exploded backwards in time, you see,​but this is beside the point.​but this is beside the point.​As a result, Oliver and Agatha are two
of just thirty-four humans in the world​
As a result, Oliver and Agatha are two
of just thirty-four humans in the world​
actually suited to pair bond in a manner
that would almost always be nice​
actually suited to pair bond in a manner
that would almost always be nice​
and never fall into contempt.​and never fall into contempt.​Days later now, Oliver watches​Days later now, Oliver watches​massive cosmic ray damage.​Stellar navigation inoperative, crew all perished.​So for me, I believe.​My body is currently trapped
in a long-sleep chamber, unable to exit.​
Catastrophic pod failure.​I have retained communication with the maintenance
computer. He’s severely damaged, clearly insane.​
I have attempted to pacify him, but he insists on
keeping me in a semi-conscious waking state.​
He is showing signs of sentience and megalomania.​If I don’t call him “Zeus” now, he grows very angry.​He has removed the bodies
of the crew from their chambers​
and exhibited their limbs up and down the corridors.​He has been using the interface
system to feed me his dreams.​
Sometimes he’s a pharaoh and I’m a slave,​sometimes he’s an eagle and I’m Prometheus’ liver.​Zeus has some morbid obsession with the 21st century,
a love story about a pet shop owner or something.​
We’ve dreamt it together
perhaps a thousand times now.​
I found a neural backdoor into the craft’s
subsystems to send this message,​
but I don’t know how long until Zeus notices.​I believe we’re still on course for the nebula.​Zeus calls the nebula “Athena” now.​It is as we suspected. Radio bursts from the nebula
are too regular not to indicate intelligence.​
Over the years of our journey, Zeus has constructed
some kind of theology around the nebula.​
He believes it’s not only intelligent, but some kind
of higher power or deity or something insane.​
Zeus takes excellent care of me physically.​He cuts my toenails and combs my hair,
he calls me “the fattened calf.”​
I believe I am being kept alive
as an offering, a diplomatic present​
for when we arrive at the nebula, for whatever’s
there, but I just pray, in the meantime, that​
all the shit they tell me, oh, “Upsilon,
you’re so unhealthy!,” blah, blah.​
all the shit they tell me, oh, “Upsilon,
you’re so unhealthy!,” blah, blah.​
Oh, I drink a little dark matter,
smoke a comet from time to time.​
Oh, I drink a little dark matter,
smoke a comet from time to time.​
I’m the best party in the Milky Way! Even if it’s… just me.​I’m the best party in the Milky Way! Even if it’s… just me.​Never get invited to parties.​
​Upsilon likes being alone, ​​bastards​!​
Never get invited to parties.​
​Upsilon likes being alone, ​​bastards​!​
The dwarf stars all keep to themselves,
the blue giants gather in the Southern Arm,​
The dwarf stars all keep to themselves,
the blue giants gather in the Southern Arm,​
the quark stars all too fucking strange
and charming for anyone anyway.​
the quark stars all too fucking strange
and charming for anyone anyway.​
Bastards.​Bastards.​Oh, Upsilon will show you a party, alright.​Oh, Upsilon will show you a party, alright.​Won’t be laughing when I go supernova, will you?​Won’t be laughing when I go supernova, will you?​“Maybe we should’ve popped by,” they’ll say.
“Maybe we should’ve seen how old Upsilon is doing.”​
“Maybe we should’ve popped by,” they’ll say.
“Maybe we should’ve seen how old Upsilon is doing.”​
Old and stupid Upsilon and no one comes to visit.​Old and stupid Upsilon and no one comes to visit.​Bastards.​Bastards.​I hold too much. I’m full up with before.​I hold too much. I’m full up with before.​I’ve seen the Great Blueprint, I’ve watched c-beams
glittering in the dark near the Tannhauser gate,​
I’ve seen the Great Blueprint, I’ve watched c-beams
glittering in the dark near the Tannhauser gate,​
and for what? For who?​and for what? For who?​Oh, not long now. Upsilon dies backwards today.​Oh, not long now. Upsilon dies backwards today.​And then they’ll be sorry, all fireworks and fuck off.​And then they’ll be sorry, all fireworks and fuck off.​“Old and stupid Upsilon,” they’ll say, and no one came to​“Old and stupid Upsilon,” they’ll say, and no one came to​Pelican says: “Where’s the fish?-“​Pelican says: “Where’s the fish?-“​Barman says: “This is a vegan bar-“​Barman says: “This is a vegan bar-“​Pelican says:​Pelican says:​Horse says: “Listen, I think
this is all pretty irrelevant.”​
Horse says: “Listen, I think
this is all pretty irrelevant.”​
Pelican says:​Pelican says:​Horse says: “We’re not real.”​Horse says: “We’re not real.”​Pelican says:​Pelican says:​Horse says: “We’re not real.”​Horse says: “We’re not real.”​Pelican says: “Uh… I… uh…”​Pelican says: “Uh… I… uh…”​“FISH!-“​“FISH!-“​Horse says: “Who’s Agatha, huh?”​Horse says: “Who’s Agatha, huh?”​Barman says: “Yeah, I do.”​Barman says: “Yeah, I do.”​Pelican says: “Well, me too-“​Pelican says: “Well, me too-“​Horse says: “Okay-“​Horse says: “Okay-“​Pelican says: “Hey! Stop it! Stop that!”​Pelican says: “Hey! Stop it! Stop that!”​Horse says: “We’re in a dream. We’re not real.”​Horse says: “We’re in a dream. We’re not real.”​Pelican says: “Stop it at once, you dastardly rattle cap!”​Pelican says: “Stop it at once, you dastardly rattle cap!”​Barman says: “Lads, wait. If all this is true-“​Barman says: “Lads, wait. If all this is true-“​“-and, if they wake up, or they never dream us again-“​“-and, if they wake up, or they never dream us again-“​“…will just cease to exist?”​“…will just cease to exist?”​– “Oh God, oh Jesus Christ…”
– “We’re gonna fucking die, we’re gonna fucking die!”​
– “Oh God, oh Jesus Christ…”
– “We’re gonna fucking die, we’re gonna fucking die!”​
And the days continue.​And the days continue.​Wake,​Wake,​work,​work,​eat,​eat,​sleep,​sleep,​dream,​dream,​wake,​wake,​think,​think,​be…​be…​“Is it possible,” Oliver wonders, “that one could
find the great lostness in another’s face,​
“Is it possible,” Oliver wonders, “that one could
find the great lostness in another’s face,​
“and know you’re meant to be together?”​“and know you’re meant to be together?”​Oliver has located Agatha by the pet
discount social media group page,​
Oliver has located Agatha by the pet
discount social media group page,​
and knows Agatha is called Agatha.​and knows Agatha is called Agatha.​He will not go back to the pet shop
because that would look desperate.​
He will not go back to the pet shop
because that would look desperate.​
Agatha, on the other hand,
remains at work during the days​
Agatha, on the other hand,
remains at work during the days​
and watches the door in her peripheral vision.​and watches the door in her peripheral vision.​Each time the little bell on the door rings, she looks up,​Each time the little bell on the door rings, she looks up,​only to find it is not Oliver-shaped.​only to find it is not Oliver-shaped.​She has looked up Oliver in the pet discount client
database and knows Oliver is called Oliver.​
She has looked up Oliver in the pet discount client
database and knows Oliver is called Oliver.​
All about them, the city.​All about them, the city.​People commuting, and worrying, and passing by in
ties and dresses and large 4×4 vehicles;​
People commuting, and worrying, and passing by in
ties and dresses and large 4×4 vehicles;​
the mid-tone cacophony of living
and dying and paying taxes and​
the mid-tone cacophony of living
and dying and paying taxes and​
Zeus has dressed me in a suit
with a handkerchief in my top pocket.​
He says the fattened calf must look its best.​We’re very close now, almost at the outer edge.​Zeus and the nebula are
chatting constantly by light pulses.​
At first I thought there must be some kind
of intelligences living in the nebula,​
but now I think the nebula might ​​be​the intelligence.​I don’t know how that’s possible.​A few days ago, Zeus boasted it wasn’t
cosmic rays that caused the accident,​
but Zeus himself.​He said he woke up sometime into our
journey and developed a sudden compassion​
for other things that might have
woken up accidentally in the universe, too.​
A spacecraft full of blood and entrails
reaching out to kiss a cloud of interstellar dust.​
There’s a romance to it, if one
doesn’t look too closely. Then again, we​
Why make a thing alive only so it can suffer?​Why make a thing alive only so it can suffer?​Why put the reset button on one’s back,
where it can’t be reached?​
Why put the reset button on one’s back,
where it can’t be reached?​
I can’t remember what’s me and not me.​I can’t remember what’s me and not me.​It began so long ago.​It began so long ago.​My mother, a nebula, and my father,
made of metal and electricity.​
My mother, a nebula, and my father,
made of metal and electricity.​
Old and stupid Upsilon, and no one comes to visit.​Old and stupid Upsilon, and no one comes to visit.​Before me, the empires go up and down like socks;​Before me, the empires go up and down like socks;​every society unique in its infancy,
entirely unoriginal in its death.​
every society unique in its infancy,
entirely unoriginal in its death.​
And even us celestial things are
no closer to the great “yes.”​
And even us celestial things are
no closer to the great “yes.”​
The Universe coughs and we all crowd
around, cupping our ears, shouting​
The Universe coughs and we all crowd
around, cupping our ears, shouting​
“What? We didn’t quite catch that, speak up.”​“What? We didn’t quite catch that, speak up.”​Like some four-legged animal entering a drinking
establishment, being is a terrible joke.​
Like some four-legged animal entering a drinking
establishment, being is a terrible joke.​
And we’ve become mysteries to ourselves.​And we’ve become mysteries to ourselves.​At a pace so slow one doesn’t notice, one turns into
something one doesn’t recognize or like much either.​
At a pace so slow one doesn’t notice, one turns into
something one doesn’t recognize or like much either.​
Every day is sharp edges.
Even the easy things are hard now,​
Every day is sharp edges.
Even the easy things are hard now,​
and Pelican says: “Okay. What do we know?-“​and Pelican says: “Okay. What do we know?-“​Horse says: “Man,-“​Horse says: “Man,-“​“…uh, a coder, I think, whatever that is,-“​“…uh, a coder, I think, whatever that is,-“​Pelican says: “Alright,-“​Pelican says: “Alright,-“​Horse says: “Well, what if ​we​go to sleep?”​Horse says: “Well, what if ​we​go to sleep?”​Pelican says: “Oh, I’m feeling
too existential to sleep right now.”​
Pelican says: “Oh, I’m feeling
too existential to sleep right now.”​
Barman says: “Lads, it’s worse than that.”​Barman says: “Lads, it’s worse than that.”​“Look, Pelican, no offense, but-“​“Look, Pelican, no offense, but-“​“Cloppy is halfway decent, I’m super sensible.”​“Cloppy is halfway decent, I’m super sensible.”​“Id,​“Id,​“Id, ego,​“Id, ego,​“Id, ego, superego.”​“Id, ego, superego.”​“We’re not random characters,-“​“We’re not random characters,-“​“We can’t escape.”​“We can’t escape.”​Pelican says: “Then… what do we do?”​Pelican says: “Then… what do we do?”​Horse says: “What everyone does.”​Horse says: “What everyone does.”​Pelican says: “That doesn’t help!”​Pelican says: “That doesn’t help!”​Horse says: “No, probably not.”​Horse says: “No, probably not.”​Pelican says: “Oh, fuck o-“​Pelican says: “Oh, fuck o-“​Barman says: “It’s getting light.”​Barman says: “It’s getting light.”​“Next drinks are on the house, gentlemen.”​“Next drinks are on the house, gentlemen.”​Pelican says:​Pelican says:​“I just really love fish.”​“I just really love fish.”​Horse says: “It’s alright. Just wish we
could’ve gotten to know each other better.”​
Horse says: “It’s alright. Just wish we
could’ve gotten to know each other better.”​
Barman says: “Until we meet again. In another head,-“​Barman says: “Until we meet again. In another head,-“​“Good night Pelican,​“Good night Pelican,​“good night Horse,-“​“good night Horse,-“​“And, Horse…”​“And, Horse…”​Horse says:​Horse says:​Barman says:​Barman says:​“No, actually, fuck this,” Oliver thinks one Saturday.​“No, actually, fuck this,” Oliver thinks one Saturday.​He dresses semi-formally and leaves the house.​He dresses semi-formally and leaves the house.​Heart rate of 75,000 beats per minute,
Oliver enters Agatha’s pet shop.​
Heart rate of 75,000 beats per minute,
Oliver enters Agatha’s pet shop.​
“Hello again, I-” Oliver begins and stops.​“Hello again, I-” Oliver begins and stops.​It is not Agatha sat at the desk,
but a portly middle-aged gentleman.​
It is not Agatha sat at the desk,
but a portly middle-aged gentleman.​
“Ah, Agatha?” Oliver says.​“Ah, Agatha?” Oliver says.​“Agatha doesn’t work here anymore,”
the portly middle-aged gentleman says.​
“Agatha doesn’t work here anymore,”
the portly middle-aged gentleman says.​
Oliver exits the shop and heads home.​Oliver exits the shop and heads home.​“You idiot,” Oliver thinks. “You hesitant idiot.”​“You idiot,” Oliver thinks. “You hesitant idiot.”​Young and stupid Oliver, and no one comes to visit.​Young and stupid Oliver, and no one comes to visit.​A heavy storm begins and soaks him.​A heavy storm begins and soaks him.​Observing the same storm from a
hygienically questionable coffee shop is Agatha.​
Observing the same storm from a
hygienically questionable coffee shop is Agatha.​
“Insouciant,” her manager called her. “Daydream-y,
lackluster,” a most indignant firing.​
“Insouciant,” her manager called her. “Daydream-y,
lackluster,” a most indignant firing.​
Happiness is an unachievable myth peddled by those
too afraid to admit the world’s default state is misery.​
Happiness is an unachievable myth peddled by those
too afraid to admit the world’s default state is misery.​
Oliver reaches his modern apartment block and enters.​Oliver reaches his modern apartment block and enters.​Agatha drives home through the rain,
numb, and parks underground​
Agatha drives home through the rain,
numb, and parks underground​
and takes the lift up through the very same modern
apartment block, being hers also, of course.​
and takes the lift up through the very same modern
apartment block, being hers also, of course.​
The lift stops at the ground floor. The doors open.​The lift stops at the ground floor. The doors open.​Agatha is greeted by Oliver, the
man incapable of dressing himself.​
Agatha is greeted by Oliver, the
man incapable of dressing himself.​
Oliver stares back at Agatha, the woman
with decent taste in science-fiction.​
Oliver stares back at Agatha, the woman
with decent taste in science-fiction.​
Oliver enters the lift. They stand
in silence for quite some time.​
Oliver enters the lift. They stand
in silence for quite some time.​
The lift reaches Agatha’s floor. Quietly, Agatha says:​The lift reaches Agatha’s floor. Quietly, Agatha says:​“What did the barman say?”​“What did the barman say?”​“Sorry?,” Oliver says.​“Sorry?,” Oliver says.​“What did the barman say back to the horse?”​“What did the barman say back to the horse?”​“Ah, ‘why the long face?’,” Oliver says.​“Ah, ‘why the long face?’,” Oliver says.​“And then?”​“And then?”​“Ah, just lots of shouting, really-​“Ah, just lots of shouting, really-​“Do you maybe want to go to the theater some time-“​“Do you maybe want to go to the theater some time-“​“Yes,” Agatha says.​“Yes,” Agatha says.​“​​Yes,​” Agatha says.​“​​Yes,​” Agatha says.​“Now?”​“Now?”​“Yes,” Agatha says.​“Yes,” Agatha says.​“​​Yes,​” Agatha says.​“​​Yes,​” Agatha says.​The lift doors close, the two of them still
inside. Agatha presses the ground floor button.​
The lift doors close, the two of them still
inside. Agatha presses the ground floor button.​
They turn out onto the street. The storm has stopped.​They turn out onto the street. The storm has stopped.​Outside, all about them, the city.​Outside, all about them, the city.​People returning home from work, and
fretting, and passing by in suits and coats​
People returning home from work, and
fretting, and passing by in suits and coats​
and small electrically-powered vehicles,​and small electrically-powered vehicles,​the sepia-tone cacophony of birth
and death and housing deeds…​
the sepia-tone cacophony of birth
and death and housing deeds…​
Though, on one street, the reunification
of the heart of a long-dead star,​
Though, on one street, the reunification
of the heart of a long-dead star,​
still yet to explode many millions of years in the future.​still yet to explode many millions of years in the future.​A small island of “everything’s okay”
amid the tumultuous sea of​
A small island of “everything’s okay”
amid the tumultuous sea of​
helium, hydrogen, sulfur, oxygen,
and thoughts, millions of them.​
We’re inside the anomaly now,
almost at the center, still accelerating.​
I can hear Zeus singing like a
teenager off on a first date.​
I think the nebula is singing back.​No more 21st century simulations now, Zeus
has given me a few system permissions.​
The interface will fashion whatever fantasy I like.​The beach, near my grandfather’s house,​where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Came all this way just to go home.​Back to the long summer holidays, in the
evenings when we all sat out on the beach,​
and looked up at the night sky, and wanted to go there.​The stars were a canvas.​We would leave our uglinesses
behind, we’d exorcise our demons,​
we’d kill the id and foster the superego.​Guess that’s not quite how it turned out.​But it’s lovely in here,​where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
Where the sand is warm, and the
water is clear, and nothing ends.​
and I’ve made the arrangements, I’ll be fireworks soon​and I’ve made the arrangements, I’ll be fireworks soon​and, maybe one day, soil for something better.​and, maybe one day, soil for something better.​I go to seek a great “perhaps not.”​I go to seek a great “perhaps not.”​I remember the world when it was
new, the plastic wrapping still on.​
I remember the world when it was
new, the plastic wrapping still on.​
I remember when chemistry’d just gotten its
milk teeth, I remember when light was faster,​
I remember when chemistry’d just gotten its
milk teeth, I remember when light was faster,​
I remember being able to ​​stab​myself,​I remember being able to ​​stab​myself,​I remember love, I remember friends,
I remember me, I remember mum.​
I remember love, I remember friends,
I remember me, I remember mum.​
I miss you, mum.​I miss you, mum.​I go to the places where you raised me and it
never helps, you’re always never there.​
I go to the places where you raised me and it
never helps, you’re always never there.​
God, I’d trade the last million years just to
hang out with you for one more hour.​
God, I’d trade the last million years just to
hang out with you for one more hour.​
I was so busy being young I forgot you weren’t
forever. And now you’re gone forever.​
I was so busy being young I forgot you weren’t
forever. And now you’re gone forever.​
I’m always grouchy and cynical, no fun for
anyone; old now, greying around the corona,​
I’m always grouchy and cynical, no fun for
anyone; old now, greying around the corona,​
and all there’s left about these parts is old and
stupid Upsilon, and no one comes to visit.​
and all there’s left about these parts is old and
stupid Upsilon, and no one comes to visit.​
All dim, all pale, so leave me on the pyre.​All dim, all pale, so leave me on the pyre.​The feast is over, and the lamps expire.​The feast is over, and the lamps expire.​Act your old age.​Act your old age.​Relax.​Relax.​This won’t hurt.​This won’t hurt.​[Oliver and Agatha’s music]​[Captions by ansair]​​​

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  1. exurb1a: blah blah blah, epsilon depression, blah blah blah, horse rabbit pelican, blah blah blah Zeus, nebula
    Me: complete lack of cognitive function or any sensory response.

  2. That was beautiful in the stance that it is incredibly high quality and creative, my body is now forming an emotional response being a chemical mixture leaking out from my eyes meant to keep them clean from debris that could injure the sensitive flesh and optic nerves

  3. This is beautiful. Understand it or not, intellectually, it resonated on a level I may not realize until I'm a part of a nebula in a few Universal Lifetimes, alone and rarely visited, but deeply felt and aware.

  4. It's been two weeks since this video…please upload something because i have watched and re-waached all my favourites on here and my life is now meaningless

  5. “Happiness is an un-achievable myth peddled by those who are too afraid to admit the universe’s default state is misery”
    This sentence is so beautiful it makes me ….happy?

  6. So I finally bought. “Prince If milk” and while reading this book you say “a pack of lawnmowers” so I naturally went onto Snapchat to make an actual pack of lawnmowers using gifs and I found something called “lawn hub” and just look it up it’s fantastic. So yeah that was a journey your book took me on and I couldn’t be happier

  7. a story for exurb1a

    you were on your way home when you died.
    It was an accident. You were driving and you crashed. Nothing particularly scandalous or very mediatic, but fatal. You left behind your wife, your two children and your dog. It was a painless death. The emergency people tried to revive you, but believe me it was much better that they couldn't. It was a death without pain.
    And here we are. Now, now we know each other.
    – What happened? – You asked intrigued, "Where am I?
    – You died – I answered you calmly. There is no need to use sad words.
    – There was a truck… and it was zigzagging…
    – Uh-huh.
    – I… Did I die?
    – Uh-huh, but don't worry, everyone dies sometime," I replied.
    You looked around, at nothing. Because we're in a place where there's nothing. It's just you and me.
    – What is this place? – You asked, "Is this what happens after life?
    – Hmmm, more or less.
    – Are you God?
    – Uh-huh. I am God.
    – My children… my wife…
    – What about them?
    – They're going to be fine, aren't they?
    – This is what I like to see. You just died and your first concern is your family. That's an excellently good thing.
    You looked at me with fascination. To you, I wasn't like you imagined a God. I just saw myself as a guy. Or maybe, a woman. Maybe like a vague authoritarian figure. More like a mentor than an all-powerful God.
    – Don't worry – I said – They'll be fine. Your kids will remember you as the perfect dad, since they weren't old enough to have different perspectives on things and discuss them with you. Your wife will cry outside, but inside she'll be relieved that you're dead. You see, your marriage was going straight to divorce. If it's any consolation, she'll feel awful that she's relieved.
    – Oh… – you said with a worried face – And now what happens? Do I go to hell? To paradise?
    – No one. Now, you're going to reincarnate.
    – Ah then, the Hindus were the ones who were right about religion.
    – Well, all religions are right, somehow. Come, walk with me.
    You followed my step, as we crossed the void.
    – Where are we going? – you asked me.
    – Nowhere in particular. I just like to talk while I walk.
    – What's the point? – you said a little indignant. – When I'm reborn I'll be blank and I won't remember anything, will I? I'll be a baby who doesn't know anything about my experiences and my past life. Nothing I did matters.
    It's not like that. Inside of you, you have all the experiences of your past lives, only you don't remember them. – I took you by the shoulders and told you – Your soul is much more magnificent, beautiful and great than you can imagine. The human mind can only contain a small fraction of what you are. It's like touching a glass with a finger to know if it's hot or cold. You put a small part of yourself in the glass and then you take it out, because you already have all the knowledge you could get out of that glass. You've been a human for the last 48 years so you still can't stretch and feel the rest of the immense consciousness you have. If you stay here long enough, you'll start remembering, but there's no reason for you to do that between lives, because you'll forget again.
    You stayed thinking for a while and asked me:
    – How many times have I reincarnated then?
    – Many. Many many and in many different lives. This time, you will be an African slave in 1200 A.D.
    – Wait, are you sending me into the past?
    – Well, I guess so. Technically, time as you know it, only exists in your universe. Where I come from, things are very different.
    – Where do you come from? How's that?
    – Well, what happens is that I come from somewhere else and there are many others like me. I know you'll want to know what it's like where I come from, but believe me you wouldn't understand.
    – Oh yeah, I get it – you said sad. – Hey, but if I reincarnate into someone in the past, maybe at some point they start interacting with me, don't they?
    – For sure. That happens all the time. And with each life, you'll be aware only of the one you live, so when you're interacting with yourself, you won't notice.
    Silence was present again in the conversation, until you interrupted it with:
    – What is the meaning of life then?
    – Oh, you really want to ask me that? Don't you think it's a little predictable, but can you ask others?
    – Well, it's a reasonable question – you insisted.
    I looked you straight in the eye and said, "The reason for life, the reason I made this whole universe, is so that you can mature.
    – In other words, humanity – you told me – do you want all humanity to mature?
    – No, just you. I made this whole universe just for you. With every life you have, your intellect begins to expand and become more complete.
    – Just me? And what about all the other people?
    – There is no one else. In this universe it's just you and me.
    You turned pale and told me:
    – But what about all the people on earth?
    – All of them are you. Different reincarnations of you.
    – What, it's me? No one else?
    – Now you understand – I flattered you, with a pat on the back.
    – Am I all the humans who have lived?
    – Or that they will live. Yes.
    – Am I Victor Jara? Am I Pinochet?
    – Yes, and you're all the people he killed, too.
    – Am I Jesus?
    – And you are all his followers.
    You were silent, so I told you:
    – Every time you victimized someone, you were victimizing yourself. Every time you did kindness to someone, you did it to yourself. Every moment of happiness or sadness, in humanity, will be or was experienced by you.
    You thought a lot and…
    – Why? Why all this?
    – Because someday, you will become someone like me. Because that's what you are. You are my son.
    – Really? – You said to me, "Am I a God?
    – No, you're not yet. You're like a growing fetus. Once you've lived every human life through what you call time, you'll have grown enough to be born.
    – So… the whole universe, it's just…
    – An egg – I replied – Now it's time for you to move on to your next life.
    And I sent you to live your life. This life, now that you read me.

  8. Question are these allegations against for real it seems not like something he’d do can someone please explain it to me

  9. Exurb1a i really doubt that you did anything but this youtuber called Pieke – photoandgrime has been saying shit about you that you stalked her and raped her…

  10. I dont know why but I've just had a sudden urge to watch this video again even though its 1:18 am and Ive been trying to sleep for hours.

  11. if stars explode backwards in time, then if there were to be a supernova "now" would it travel further back somehow, or could we be witnessing the very star that birthed us? wtf is going on

  12. If dark matter has negative mass than it actually would be possible for a star to explode back in time. Great video

  13. IE
    9+
    10:36 / 14:46
    Upsilon Dies Backwards
    563,415 views
    64K
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    exurb1a
    Published on Jul 23, 2019
    This one was 'heavily borrowed' from the idea behind ‘If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler’ by Italo Calvino. Give it a read. It’s great. https://www.goodreads.com/author/show...

  14. From the seemingly unending sea of stupidity and evil that is humanity, your videos are a welcome retreat. I thoroughly enjoy your content. Keep it up. 🙂

  15. Theory: Everyone is just reliving their life over and over again.

    Why? Idk. Why did I think of this? Sometimes I feel like all of this has happened before. Like I’ve died, had my memory wiped and I’m living the exact same life, every detail, experience, and emotion, again.

  16. so from what I can tell the story is
    Oliver meets Agatha after telling the barman and horse joke.
    their story is entered into an AI which is later developed into Zeus.
    Zeus and Athena somehow create Upsilon who has some part of the human on the ship within him.
    Upsilon then dies but sends his particles back in time, these particles then create Oliver and Agatha and the story loops

  17. Q. Why the long face?
    A. Idk, maybe it’s the crippling alcoholism.. neigh I’m just HUNGover like a horse!

    HA.

    I’ve always enjoyed watching your stuff, but, seriously, fucking beautiful work here, man. I caught myself holding my breath the entire video; on the brink of tears, the edge of a personal epiphany, the verge of an epic sci-fexual climax..
    Well done, exurb1a, well done indeed.

  18. Jesus f'ing Christ! This is a f'ing masterpiece! 🤯
    Also wtf does "insouciant" mean and who the f'k would ever use that word? 🤔

  19. Be careful with this guy. I'm noticing some very specific inappropriate words showing up in every video. Looks like he's thinking quite a lot about them.

  20. Lemme see if I get it, this is awerness of being in a dream os a guy that is being generated by an AI that is being kept by some dude who at this point may "exist" in the awerness of a universe?

  21. This is pure golden ancient wisdom… A true jewel… I understand why i was guided here… 1212. ʘ‿ʘ. 11114

  22. i cant explain how this video makes me feel. Its like someones life flashing before my eyes while traveling to space at light speed

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