[Hail to the Chief plays] ♪ ♪ Candidates… It’s been quite an election. The polls are closed. The votes are in. And one of you will be… America’s Next Top President! [The Star-Spangled Banner plays] ♪ ♪ Senator Marshall… Your record on women’s rights is impeccable, and you have a strong military background. Tony Hawk… You’re really, really good at skateboarding. I wish I could elect you Thank you. both. But the final rose… and nuclear launch codes… Go to… [suspenseful music] ♪ ♪ The President of The United States of America! Mr. president!? Frank, you’re safe! I am, but america’s not. Honey, hand over the launch codes. Tony, I’m gonna need your board. Is this thing live? America, listen to me very carefully. You are– More on that later, zwners, But we’ve got an epic Kill streak in progress! No time to explain – just shut up and watch! [gunfire] [gunfire] [rapid gunfire] [explosion] [jets whooshing] [bullets zipping] [explosion] Yo, Brian. Come on, I got you, bro. [grunts] [beeping] Hey, come on, move your– [rapid gunfire] [explosion] Move. 20 seconds to cap. [crowd cheering] Our top story – VGHS barely survives their first playoff match, but… Last-minute miracle plays and lucky comebacks just aren’t gonna cut it… In the totally extreme road to the championships! The competition has never been tougher, nor the stakes higher. And… You can’t help but feel that this VGHS team has lost a certain… Je ne sais… “Law!” [distant explosion] [explosion] [light creaking] [gun cocks] Ooh, la la. Barnstormer. Just sampling the local cuisine. [chuckles] So were we. [laughs] Prostitutes. Yeah. [sighs] Yeah. You want another cap? sure. Not like there’s anything else going on. Ha ha, yeah. 17 to zero. Are you Kidding me? 17 to zero! Napalm’s unstoppable. Championship’s in the bag. You got to get in on this thing while you still can, before it goes up, up, up! Okay, we get it. Starting a high school FPS team was good for the company. But why are we here? What’s your endgame? What do you want? I want… Video Game High School. [rock music] ♪ Don’t want to hear ♪ ♪ about how the real world’s ♪ ♪ the place for me? ♪ ♪ There’s nothing out there ♪ ♪ won’t look better ♪ ♪ on a tv screen ♪ ♪ There’s a better way? ♪ ♪ I don’t care what you say ♪ ♪ I just want to play ♪ ♪ we all just want to play ♪ ♪ Things will be all right ♪ ♪ Soon as I get back to school ♪ ♪ ♪ One down, four to go. Yeah! Up top, all right. Whoa! [hissing pop] Vote for Shane. It’s okay, Wendell. Let’s pass out more cookies. Okay. Vote for Ki. Thanks. Hey! [camera shutter clicks] Yeah, i’ll vote for Shane… Like, never… [laughs] Three, two, one… Go! Yes! Ha ha! whoo! Ted wins. Err! Boosh! [imitates engine revving] Ph, sor– Oh. Hey, dude. Sorry about that. Are you… How are you? Yeah, he’s our Ted now. Yikes. Are you okay? To be honest… No? Hey, man, you got to forget about that nerd. We all got the day off. Let’s go get cool by the pool. Actually, Games, Brian and I have some one-on-one time planned. Yes, there is an olive oil tasting at Romero’s. Jenny, we’re gonna be late! Is that what you’re wearing? For? For your interview on OMG? Oh, god, that’s today? Can’t I just skip it? That’s hilarious. See you in the car. Oh, my god, Brian, I’m so sorry. I forgot. We’ll hang out tonight, yeah? Yeah, don’t worry about it. Okay. Good luck. Thanks. I don’t know, Ki. Shane’s gonna throw us a pizza party every week. Yeah, what do we get if we vote for you guys? Well, you get a strong leader– Forget it, Ki. The M.M.O. guild only wants one thing–loot. Let’s talk deal. Ooh. Can you give me Babbage’s blade? Oh, my gosh, Josh. If you wanted that lame sword, you should have bought the collector’s edition. Whatevs, I still want it, eh? Fine, get my babe Babbage’s Blade, and you totes got our votes. We’re outie. Ooh, I should go too. I’m going to meet with the social gamers. Ew, what? Why? Those guys aren’t even real gamers. Plus, the M.M.O. guild is, like, half the voting block, Ki. Who will only vote for us if we bribe them. And I’m not that sort of candidate, okay? Okay, yeah. No, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Go meet the people. Best running mate ever. Best boyfriend ever– This guy. Hi, Ted. Hi. I have to go. Oh, okay. Bye, Ki. Bye. Okay, dork, you play Deathstalker, right? I’m gonna need you to get us Babbage’s blade. What? Why? ‘Cause it’s the only way the M.M.O. guild will vote for us. And if we don’t get those votes, we’re gonna lose, and then Ki’s Gonna cry. Is that what you want, Ted? You want Ki to cry? No, of course not. Exactly. Suit up. Okay. But the only person I know that Bbought the collector’s edition is… Oh, man. Hey, Ted, should I get The collector’s edition? It’s your money. Do whatever you want. Yeah. What the heck, Ted? You ignore me for two weeks, and now you’re trying to steal my stuff? It’s for Ki. She needs Babbage’s blade to win the election. Not that you care. Why didn’t you just ask? ‘Cause I’m not talking to you. Now, do you want Ki to win this or what? Yeah, I do. But it’s a two-man quest, so I’m coming with you. What? No way. Ted, does Ki need this thing or not? Fine. But I’m still not talking to you. And I’m playing from Ki’s room. Okay, then, fine. Fine, then, okay. [scoffs] See you at Mount Jerek! [bird squawks] [gunshot] That’s far enough, griefer. State your business. Hi, I’m Ki swan. I’m not a griefer. I’m a politician. [gunshot] Even worse. Get going. Sorry, ma’am. I’m running for class president. I’m only here to learn how I can help you and your fellow social gamers. Help? You just want an easy vote for a bucket of empty promises. If you fancy hard-core gamer folk really wanted to help us cow-clickers, you’d come to our classroom and meet us face-to-face. Now, if you don’t mind, i’ve got Bongo Berries to harvest. Two-minute warning, everybody. Two minutes to showtime. [bell rings] They’re gonna ask a bunch of dumb, nosy, personal questions about my life, aren’t they? Stop squirming. Gosh, I hate these things. I hate talking about myself. Well, get used to it, because being a pro means being a personality. Just look at ashley over there. …And then I says to the salesman, “yacht? Why not?” [laughs] Oh, man. Jacques Latour, big fan. [gasps] That’s Jacques Latour. Oh, my gosh, he’s, like, the Best FPS coach of all time. I’m right here, Jenny. Mom, he coaches the Paris Panthers. That’s, like, my favorite team since forever. I have to go talk to him. I can’t talk to him. Mom, will you go talk to him? Matthews, Barnstormer, 30 seconds. Oh, god. Please tell me not to embarrass myself. Jenny, just relax. You’re fine, okay? Go. Okay. Oh, man. Jacques Latour… Cool dude. Ah, this is gonna be fun. Whoops. [gasps] You’re on. Go, go, go. [crowd cheering] W are back from commercials And talking to Ashley Barnstormer and Jenny Matrix. Please clap for them. [applause] Thank you. So, Ashley, they say that VGHS is your biggest competition. Agree/Disagree? You know, TalkBot, I got to say, Jenny and VGHS have really pulled off something special this season. But I feel good about our chances. [applause] Jenny… Tell us about your parents’ divorce. What? Do you blame yourself? Uh… No. Can we talk about something else? Who’s the better smoocher, Brian D. or The Law? I can answer that one. My goodness. Just playing, just playing! Ha ha ha ha. Very charming. Oh, my god. So, uh… How’s drifting? Hey, when does the season start, again? How’s not talking to Brian? That still going well? [sighs] I’d at least like to know If Ki’s all right. Haven’t really talked to her since– Traveler, beware! Grave danger lies ahead. Oh, Ted, i think this is the guy. Are you the Babbages guy? You fools seek Babbage’s Blade? [coughs] Yep, we do. Where do we go? Many have died in pursuit of that wretched blade. Before I send you to your doom, Prove you are worthy… By entering the exclusive pre-order bonus code found on The inside cover of the art book in the Deathstalker 2: King’s Ransom edition… If you dare. Got it right here. It’s 3-b-b-x-x-y-1. You are… Unworthy. Wait. what? No, no. Oh, wait a minute. It’s not a one. It’s a lowercase “l.” You are worthy. Enjoy your thrilling DLC adventure. Thank you. But before you do, Hear this tragic tale of Sir Babbages And the cursed blade… Skip, skip, skip. I and knights — Skip, skip, skip, skip. Seeing nothing but death– Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip. …ash under a sky of blood. Skip, skip, skip. Dude, we’re on a clock here. I should have… I should have stayed a farmer. Just skip it. [groans] Okay, looks like it’s, uh, yeah, this way. I didn’t tell Ki not to talk to you or anything. Okay. She’s just busy. You should hang out with her sometime. I will. Thanks. Anyway, let’s get this over with. Traveler, beware! Hello? Is anybody down here? [dial-up connections whining] I didn’t think you’d show up. Say hello to the Fruit Tune Farmers. Hi. A.cC’s broken, Runny noses wherever you look, Spotty wi-fi. We lost our Fiddle Fig crop when the router timed out. We’d suffer it all if we could get some decent computers. Well, I can see why you would need wi-fi and actual chairs, But the computers seem to be running the game just fine. All we want is equal treatment. These computers are lame. The ones they got upstairs– they’re, like, from the future. Well, that’s because they’re for playing real games. “Real games”? Oh, i’m sorry. Fruit Tune Farms may not have fancy graphics or take lightning-fast reflexes, But it takes dedication and care to tend these crops. We love it, and it brings us together. So i ask you, Ki swan, isn’t that what gaming’s all about? [shrieking] [dragon screeches] [dragon screeches] [groaning] Where is she? She has to get– Ah, Ki! Where have you been? The debate’s in, like, five seconds! I was talking with the Social gamers– Dah — Blagh! Whatever, okay? Look, bad news– Shane– Shane promised pizza Parties to every team in the school. So we have to shift to a pro-pizza party platform. You got that? When they ask about the student funds– Wendell, there’s good things we can do with that money. Aw, Ki, look at that crowd. They are literally eating up Shane’s message! Candidates, tick tock. Let’s get this show on the road. Guh. [exhales deeply] And every night i would open ip that freezer door and say, “I love you… My strawberry swirl.” Thank you. Jenny… Same question. If Brian turned into a strawberry milkshake, would you still love him? Um… No, because he’d be a milkshake. [crowd grumbling] So physical attraction is important to you. [crowd booing] What? No, i’m just being realistic. Come on. Looks like the only thing colder than that milkshake is jenny’s heart. That’s 20 more points For Ashley! Next segment– “Did Jenny just say that?” What? Jenny, rank your favorite races in order. Um, wha– It’s just a thought experiment, jenny. No one will get mad at you. Okay. Um… Well, i guess that i’m white, So…white. And then i love indian food, so maybe that would be two? We were talking about World of Warcraft. Oh, my God. [crowd booing] And that is how my drinking fountain redistribution act will ensure equal access to all students without increasing hallway foot traffic. [polite applause] Okay, final question– How do you plan to use the student fund to benefit vghs? Shane, two minutes. I only need two words– Pizza parties! [crowd cheering] Pizza, pizza, pizza… All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Ki Swan, any rebuttal? Pizza parties are good… But… My pizza parties will come with free garlic knots! [crowd cheering] Garlic knots? Why didn’t we think of that? You’re fired, Sebastian. Okay, man. I get it. 30 seconds, Ki. Anything else? Ki? Is that all? Also, i would like to use a portion of the fund to buy new computers for the social gamers. [crowd grumbling, booing] As class president, i want to make this school better for every gamer. [crowd jeering] They don’t even have chairs, And pizza’s unhealthy! [jeering continues] [laughing] Yes. [roars] Ted! [roars] [roars] Ted, now! [beast roaring frantically] [chuckles] At last, the curse is broken. Thank you, true friend! Finally– And skippity-skip. I’ll take that blade now, buddy. Here you are, good sir– One Babbage’s blade, As promised. Wait. What? You picked up the sword. It’s bind on pickup. Wait, no. Ugh, the whole quest is ruined now! Dude, I’m sorry. You’re supposed to pick up The sword with the Glove of No Binding. Well, maybe you should have told me that, Ted. Oh, so this is my fault now. Yes, a little bit. You picked up the sword! I didn’t know about the glove, okay? Maybe you would have if you hadn’t skipped all of the quest dialogue! The dialogue is so boring. You’re boring! Oh, real mature, Ted. Ted! [door opens] Well, I hope you’re happy. You just cost Ki the election. I’m just trying to help, ted. What are you doing? I’m doing the quest again, alone. It doesn’t work like that, idiot. Don’t call me an idiot, you jerk! God, Ted, you’re such an asshole! [crash] Ugh. Dude, are you okay? Screw you. No, no, no, no, no, no. Dude, i’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. [crying] no, you’re not. You’re not my friend. No, Ted, i am. I’m sorry. I– I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry, man. Shut up, Brian! Just shut up! I’m done. Go to hell. He’s on fire! And he’s good at basketball. What a scholar! Now, Jenny, an anonymous informant tells us you have a hidden talent of your own. Uh, are you talking about DXM? No. Even more embarrassingly, you used to play Paropera the Opera, like a nerd. Who told you that? Loading Paropera the Opera. Jenny will now sing for us. Oh, no, no, no, thank you. I don’t do that. Oh, come on, jenny. Let’s hear it. I’m sure you sound lovely. Right, everyone? Sing… Sing, sing, sing, sing, Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing… [chanting intensifies] [crowd cheering] [lights bang] [singing opera] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] I can’t believe you told them That I sing. Well, it’s a good thing I did… You were dying out there. Well, thanks. [clears throat] [clears throat] Coach Latour. Oui? I’m sorry. I’m just–i’m a really big fan. You are Jenny Matrix, oui? Yeah. This has been quite the season. Wow. Thanks. You’re… quite the coach! [chuckles] Um… ah… What i meant was, you’ve been watching me? But of course. This is the scouting season. You are the best sniper in the entire league. [chuckles] The Panthers would be very lucky to have you. Shut up. That’s stupid. Just keep it up. Mm-hmm. But now excuse me. I’ll be very late for my flight. Au revoir. That means “Till we meet again!” [squeals] [sighs] Hey, Ki. Wendell? You got to come see this. [laughs] Uh, wendell… What’s going on? You stood up for us, Ki Swan. You looked out for the little guy. Now we’re looking out for you. Say hello to your new campaign team. [chuckles] Let’s get to work. [Irish folk music] ♪ ♪ Theodore? Are you living here? Yeah. You got a problem with that? What troubles you? I had one stupid thing to do today — get that sword for Ki. I couldn’t even get that right. Come with me. [Tomowatchi squeaking] [squeaking continues] No! [animals squeaking weakly] Vote for Ki. [knock at door] Hi. Hey. How’d it go? It was amazing. I met Jacques Latour. I sang opera. You didn’t watch it? No, I was going to, But Ted came over, so… Really? How did that go? [sighs] Not great, but, you know, friends come and go, right? Tell me about Jacques. Brian, are you okay? Yes. Really? Yes, yes, no, i just– I’d like to talk about your day, please. Well, um… First off… [zipper opens] Backstage food is awesome… And free. I have so much candy Here–oh, my gosh. It’s, like, gonna gain ten pounds tonight. don’t care. I’m gonna get a cavity. Love it. [people cheering] [irish folk music] ♪ ♪ Ted! I got you the M.M.O. guild. [laughs] They’re gonna vote for you. You’re amazing, ted. Come on. This is my boyfriend, ted. He’s on the campaign too. Yes! ♪ ♪ [music drowning out] [eerie atmospheric music] ♪ ♪ Hello, welcome to Brother Hotline. Please say the name of the biological brother you wish to speak to. Ashley… Barnstormer. You said Ashley Barnstormer. Is this your name– Shane Pizza? Yes. Your real name is Shane Barnstormer, Brother of Ashley Barnstormer. Connecting you to your brother now. Expected wait time for your brother is…right now. [door opens] What’s up, brother? You called?